The Safe House - Wiretaps

Charlie: Oh my God, that's him.
Remy: Whoa! Who? Who?
Charlie: The guy I ran into. He's here.
Remy: Where?
Morgan: What?
Charlie: That is three times in two days. What are the chances of that?
Remy: Um, like, none.
Morgan: That's Dr. Fields. This is his party. He just moved back from San Francisco.
Charlie: Really?
Morgan: Yeah.
Remy: Well, you're right. He is hot.

Kit: Here's the best part. The guy then goes into cardiac arrest, Kevin performs CPR on the guy, saves his life -- again. God. Disgusting, isn't he?
Fiona: No, you are amazing.
Kit: Ohhh.
Charlie: Yeah.
Fiona: Excuse me?
Kevin: Wait, wait, wait. What do we have there?
Charlie: Oh, um, balls. Uh, shrimp balls. Um, shrimp in... balls.
Fiona: I'm sorry, but we're not really into fish genitalia.
Charlie: Yeah, okay.
Fiona: Was she really listening to our conversation?
Kevin: Excuse me.

Kevin: Wait a second. Um, so I know two things about you... you work in catering, and you have a lot of dogs.
Charlie: Oh, that... no. Uh, I'm a dog walker. I'm not some crazy dog-lady with twelve-thousand dogs.
Kevin: That makes... that's why.
Charlie: And I'm sorry about before. I didn't mean to be eavesdropping.
Kevin: Well, you're right. You shouldn't have. You should have stayed and talked to me.
Charlie: Well, your girlfriend seemed pretty offended.
Kevin: Oh no, that's... that's not my girlfriend. I, I don't have a... I'm sing... I don't have a girlfriend. What?
Charlie: Nothing. Nothing. Um, I'm Charlie. Charlotte, but Charlie.
Kevin: Well, I'm... I'm Kevin. Nice to meet you.
Charlie: Nice to meet you, too.
Kevin: Yeah.

Remy: Oh, you're home. Thank God. I'm exhausted.
Charlie: What did you do today?
Remy: Went to the post office.
Answering machine: Hi, it's Charlie. Leave a message.
Kevin (on phone): Uh, hi, Charlie. This is Kevin Fields.
Charlie: That's him.
Kevin (on phone): I don't know if you remember me from the party the other night, but uh... I was just calling, uh, to see if, um, maybe... maybe you wanted to walk my dog.
Kit: What? No! Hang up the phone.
Kevin (on phone): No, no, actually, no, you can't, because I don't have a dog, so... uh, maybe you could walk me.
Kit: Hang it up.
Kevin (on phone): Alright, I'm, you know, I'm, I'm gonna go now. Just call me at 555 0118 and ask for Dr. Fields. Okay, thanks. Bye. (hangs up) Oh man, that was... that was horrible.
Kit: Yeah, I wouldn't hold your breath for a callback on that.
Kevin: Yeah, she'll call me back if she wants to walk an idiot.
Kit: Yeah, I'm not going to disagree with you.
Remy: So takeout or raid your fridge?

Charlie: Here we go. Take it easy, Lilly. Easy.
Kevin: Hi. You never called me back, so I figured I would bring the coffee to you.
Charlie: Thanks. Um, look, I think you're a really nice guy and everything, but I don't know why you called me. I'm a woman.
Kevin: Yeah, I love that fact.
Charlie: Have you ever been with a woman?
Kevin (chokes on coffee): Excuse me?
Charlie: I mean, have you only ever been with men?
Kevin: Men? What are you talking... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, I'm not gay.
Charlie: You're not?
Kevin: No. No, I like women. Lots of... no, not lots of women, but you know what I mean. Why did you think I was gay?
Charlie: Awkward. Okay, I got to go now.
Kevin: Wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Kevin: Okay, I'll prove to you that I'm not gay. Okay? Let me take you out on Friday night. We'll watch the playoffs, I'll order a pizza, I'll completely ignore you.
Charlie: Give me one good reason.
Kevin: 'Cause I'm different.
Charlie: Really? Okay, what color are my eyes? (turns around)
Kevin: Well, at first glance, your eyes are brown. But when the light hits them, they change to amber. And if you look really closely around the iris, the color is pure honey. But when you look into the sun, they almost look green. That's my favorite. How did I do?
Charlie: I would've settled for brown. Okay! (dog attacks Kevin) Peanut, let go! Off! Off!

Charlie: I'm sorry he bit you. I mean, they all have their shots, so it should be fine.
Kevin: Seriously, don't worry about it. It barely broke the skin.
Charlie (to dogs): Outside.
Kevin: Did you just move in or something?
Charlie: No, I've been here a year and a half.
Kevin: Oh, nice place.
Charlie: I should have some hydrogen peroxide around here somewhere.
Kevin: What is all this stuff?
Charlie: Oh, I'm a yoga instructor.
Kevin: This?
Charlie: And a Little League coach. And a dog walker and a caterer. I told you I'm a temp.
Remy (walking in): That is not true. She is an incredibly talented artist.
Charlie: Remy! Remy!
Remy: I mean, look at her sketchbook. She hides it right under there.
Charlie: Remy!
Remy: What?
Charlie (gesturing to Remy): He's not...
Kevin: Are you alright?
Remy: Yeah. Yeah, thank you.
Charlie: Found it!
Kevin: So you're an artist, too?
Charlie: Uh, I like to dabble in a lot of different things. I mean, life's too short to live the same day twice, right?
Kevin: Yeah. That's a good philosophy to live by.
Charlie: My dad always used to say that. Come on.
Kevin: Used to?
Charlie: Oh, yeah, my parents died when I was little.
Kevin: Oh, I'm sorry.
Charlie: That's okay. It was a really long time ago. You ready?
Kevin: Yeah... I mean, it's a little embarrassing. I'm the doctor. I'm the one who's supposed to look at the... ah! Ow!
Charlie: Oh my God. I'm sorry!
Kevin: I'm just kidding. I never get to do that.
Charlie: Okay, because the cut is, like, three inches higher.
(beeper goes off)
Kevin: Sorry.
Charlie: Do you need my phone?
Kevin: Oh, no thanks. It's just my mom. And it's only her second page of the day. She's just getting started.
Charlie: Well, you're all set.
Kevin: Thank you. So, do you think, uh... we could do this again sometime, maybe without the biting?
Charlie: Yeah, that would be nice.
(beeper goes off again)

Kevin: Well, that's the end of it. Where do you want me to put this?
Charlie: Oh, under the bed.
Kevin: Uh, you sure you don't want me to put it by the door so you can make a quick escape to the apartment you still have for some reason?
Charlie: Now come on. You agreed to me subletting my apartment.
Kevin: I would have agreed to anything to get you to move in here. (looking at designs) Oh, these are great. Are they new?
Charlie: Oh, no! You can't look at those! 'Cause they're not finished yet.
Kevin: Oh, sorry.
Charlie: Okay?
Kevin: Okay.
Charlie: Please?
Kevin: Here, I'll put them back. Oh, I forgot to tell you, we're having lunch with my mom tomorrow.
Charlie: Oh!
Kevin: It'll be fine. I promise.
(kissing)
Kevin: You want to take a shower?
Charlie: Hmm. Yeah! Okay!

Charlie: Alright, so tell me about your dad.
Kevin: Well, he died when I was two. But that was just her first husband. At the time she was a freelance journalist and then she married this guy who was a network exec and got her her first on-air break, but divorced him for Alec Wrigley.
Charlie: Wait, the actor? I thought he was...
Kevin: Oh, he was. It lasted about two years 'til she threw him out for sleeping with her second husband.
Charlie: Wait, how many times has she been married?
Kevin: Well, four.
Charlie: Wow.
Kevin: But, you know, her career was always the main thing. She, she just lived for it. Well, her career and me, of course. And, basically, now I'm all she's got. Here we are.

Charlie: Shut up. Is that the Dalai Lama?
Kevin: Yeah.
Charlie: Oh my God, That can't be real.
Kevin: It is.
Charlie: Did you know all these people?
Kevin: Some of them.
Ruby: Kevin! Look at you, all handsome.
Kevin: Ruby! (they hug) Good to see you.
Ruby: Yeah, you too.
Kevin: Now, forget about my mother. This is the woman you need to get through. Charlie, this is Ruby.
Charlie: Well, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Ruby: Oh, the pleasure's mine. Uh, excuse us. I've got to talk to him about a rash.

Ruby: You're bringing a girl home to meet your mother now?
Kevin: Yeah, Ruby, I am.
Ruby: The woman is fresh off the funny farm. Why don't you come back, let's say... next spring? Oh, the trees will be blooming. It'll be so beautiful. She'll love it.
Kevin: How is she?
Ruby: She's good. The first thing she did when she got home was make me lock up all the booze.
Charlie: It's Oprah! Oprah!
Ruby: Yeah, Oprah. There's one in there with the cast from "Good Times" too.

Charlie: So how big is this place?
Kevin: About four acres. There's a tennis court, two swimming pools, indoor and outdoor... it's, it's kind of crazy.
Charlie: What? No helicopter pad?
Kevin: Oh, no. There's one out back. I'm kidding.

Viola: Kevin! Oh, I've missed you so much! I promise I'll never leave you again.
Kevin: Oh my God, Mom. Look at you. You look fantastic.
Viola: It's just something I threw together.
Kevin: Come here.
Viola: What?
Kevin: I want to introduce you to someone. Charlie. Mom.
Charlie (gesturing at his lips): Kevin.
Kevin: Charlie, this is Mom. Mom, Charlie.
Viola: Oh, hi.

Viola: You've been so quiet, Kevin.
Kevin: Oh, well, it's kind of hard to get a word in edgewise with you two.
Viola: Oh, is he great, or what?
Charlie: I tell you too, that's a little scary.
Viola: Enjoy it while you can. Here you go, some more coffee.
Kevin: Actually, I was a little nervous about the two of you meeting.
Viola: Really?
Charlie: Why?
Kevin: Well, 'cause it's important to me. Mom, you're the most amazing woman I've ever known. And, Charlie, I've never met anyone like you. You're real, you're honest. And although we've only known each other a few months, I, I feel like I've known you forever. I guess what I'm trying to say here... is what are you doing for the rest of your life?
Charlie: What?
Both women: Oh my God!
Kevin: Charlie, will you marry me?
Viola: It's... it's too sudden. She's in shock.
Charlie: No!
Viola: Yes!
Charlie: I mean, I am, but... Seriously?
Kevin: Seriously.
Ruby: No, no. Say "no."
Charlie: Yes. Yes! Yeah!
Ruby: Oh, gee... oh!
Viola: Oh, I'm so happy for you. Congratulations!
Charlie: Oh my God. I can't believe this.
Viola: I am so happy for you.
(start vision)
Congratulations! (slamming Charlie's face into cake) I'm so pleased that you're going to be my daughter-in-law.
(end vision)
Oh, congratulations.
Charlie: I can't believe this.
Viola: I'm so happy for you.
Charlie: Thank you!
Viola: You're going to need a moment alone. Excuse me, I'll be right back.
Charlie: Okay.
Ruby: Oh! Shit!

Charlie: You are so crazy! Oh my God!
Kevin: I almost forgot. I've been carrying this around for two weeks waiting for the perfect moment. I can't believe that this turned out to be it. (takes out ring)
Charlie: Kevin.
Kevin: Try it on.
Charlie: It is the perfect moment.
(they kiss)
Charlie: Maybe you should go check on your mom.
Kevin: Oh, she's fine. She's probably calling all of our relatives.

Viola: So, goodness. That was a lot to take in at teatime.
Charlie: Oh, you're telling me.
Viola: I had no idea that you guys were so serious. Kevin, you never mentioned anything.
Kevin (gesturing at her hair): Mom.
Viola: Here's what I want to say. It's wonderful being in love. But I don't think marriage is the best solution to a thing like this. Well, you know nowadays a girl has so many alternatives to getting married... I mean, there's adoption, abortion, lesbianism...
Kevin: Whoa, Mom!
Viola: Hmm?
Kevin: What are you talking about?
Viola: Well, I mean, it's so sudden, I have to assume there's a pressing reason.
Kevin: Oh, oh, no, no! Charlie's not pregnant.
Viola: Call me old-fashioned, marriage is a sacred union that should only be entered into with the utmost care. Charlie: Weren't you married four times?
Viola: Yes, dear. Which would make me an expert, don't you think?
(beeper goes off)
Kevin: Excuse me. It's the hospital. I'll be right back.
Charlie: Okay. You want me to go with you?
Kevin: No, stay right there.

Charlie: Hey, do you think your mother liked me?
Kevin: Of course. Why?
Charlie: I don't know, because she called me a pregnant lesbian?
Kevin: I'm sure she meant that as a compliment. Trust me. She loved you.

Charlie: But I thought your mom said this was a barbecue.
Kevin: Oh my God. It looks like she's invited everyone I've ever known.
Charlie: And they're all in black tie.
Kevin: Oh, there's my mom. Mom!
Viola: Darlings! How was the trip? Welcome.
Charlie: I'm sorry. I didn't know this was a formal party.
Viola: Well, that's because I have something for you. I bought you a new dress.
Kevin: Oh, see? There's a dress upstairs.
Charlie: Thank you.
Kevin: Besides, you look great in anything.
Viola: Exactly. You always look so clean and shiny. Oh, Kevin, your tuxedo is upstairs in your room. But first I want you to meet some friends. Come.

Kevin: Fiona, what are you doing here? I'm dressing.
Fiona: Why don't you let me give you a hand with that?
Kevin: Give it up, Fiona.
Fiona: You know, you and I had a very strong bond once.
Kevin: No, you and I had very strong drinks once.
Fiona: That's not true. Kiss me. I'll remind you how good it was.
Kevin: What are you doing? I'm engaged. I'm happy.
Fiona: What is it about her that's so special?
Kevin: I don't know, but I plan on spending the rest of my life finding out.
Charlie (looking for Kevin): Kevin!
Fiona: God! Men in love are really hot. (she kisses him)
Kevin: Fiona!
(Charlie enters room)
Fiona: Oops! Um... I was just giving Kevin a congratulatory kiss. Don't, uh, worry.
Charlie: Why would I worry? He's gay, right?
Kevin: Charlie!

Kevin: Charlie, that was not what it looked like.
Charlie: I'm going home. I've destroyed priceless couture. I embarrassed myself in front of 70 percent of the world's royalty. Oh! I forgot, yeah! I just caught you making out with your ex-girlfriend.
Kevin: Charlie, let me explain.
Charlie: Ugh. It doesn't matter. Ugh! I can't do this. I don't belong here, Kevin. And if I don't belong here, then maybe we don't...
Kevin: Hey, hey, hey. Listen to me. It's you and me now. This isn't my world anymore. You're my world. (he kisses her) Okay? Now let's get the hell out of here. I'm taking you home.
Charlie: Okay. Um... Let me try and get out of this dress and then...
Kevin: Okay, see you downstairs.

Go to part 2.

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