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2x14 Double Agent
Ooh, naked SpyCalves! Psych! It's just Kevin Arnold's sister and Mr. Uma.
And they have Issues. Sloane continues to work the phones. He's more evil
than a telemarketer. Back at the scene of their SpySmooch, Vaughn tells Syd
that Alice doesn't live here anymore, prompting Syd to smile the smile of
victorious, dimpled women everywhere. Buh-bye, McPlotDevice! Vaughn is
happy that he can finally give Syd a ride. ("Hi. Thanks for coming over.
Isn't my gutter apartment lovely?") Syd is happy she doesn't have to keep
giving the CIA homeless person money anymore. Vaughn is happy he can give
Syd a ride. ("And this is my vacation home in East Smutsville.") Weiss
introduces the new CIA pledge. So that's what happened to Ainsley
Hayes! She didn't disappear into the bowels of the West Wing after all,
just lost her accent somewhere in her search for screen time. Maybe she can
be a new love interest for Will. After all, we know he likes 'em young. In
Steven Soderbergh's Berlin, "Pop Goes the Weasel" is ruined as a fun
childhood song. Pledge Ainsley sucks up valuable screen time by crying.
Sydney gets a home delivery of Casual!Vaughn. She says she's going to get a
new couch. Vaughn ponders them having sex on the couch. They try kissing
without kevlar, leading Vaughn to say that they need to go before she
really needs a new couch. The Francinator transports in from The
Land of Emotionless Stares. Syd introduces "Michael from the bank,"
complete with "It's the hot-cute guy!" hand signals. Since EvilFrancie
doesn't squeal and drool, Syd is confused. She also wonders where the
Spiraling Whistles of Evil are coming from. Syd and Vaughn take a loooong,
private flight to the Dominican Republic. So what do you think they did for
the other six hours that the mission brief didn't fill? Ken Olin makes sure
we know that Jennifer Garner has a great body. A great wet body.
Vaughn possibly gets a peek at some assets he'll get to handle later. Their
target gets a Vaughnie surprise. Mmm, those are the best kind. Mr. Uma
makes an unfortunate choice in ophthalmologists; this one graduated from
the same med school as Creepy Asian Dentist. Mr. Uma decides that temporary
blindness is no impediment to target practice. Syd thanks the guard for
kindly not allowing the bullet to exit his body. Back on the CIA plane, Syd
gives Mr. Uma some Spysine. Vaughn pops in and proves that however hot he
is, he can always be hotter. No, no, don't leave! Syd, put the
bandages back on Mr. Uma's eyes and follow Vaughn into the VIP room of the
Mile-High Club right now. If you don't, you'll have to break the
news that Mr. Uma's girlfriend is dead, Jim. Syd pulls out her copy of
Women Who Make Bad Choices. At Kendall's House of Exposition, Mr.
Uma says that he and Emma were engaged. ("Uma. Emma. Oprah.") Syd and
Vaughn exchange a Telling Glance. Weiss tries to flirt with Pledge Ainsley.
Despite signs of struggle at the safe house, Syd protects her groceries at
all cost. Mr. Uma presses "Play" on his Guest Actor in a Drama Emmy reel.
Once again, we learn that tequila leads to no good. Then some CIA agents
confuse the issue. More. Luckily, Exposition!Jack explains it all. Logic.
Struggling. To. Be. Heard. Must. Repress. Mr. Uma asks, "What the hell do
you mean, 'I've been doubled'?" Right there with ya, big guy. The CIA sends
Mr. Uma to Poland with Syd, despite the identity questions, his four weeks
of torture, his grief and his professional involvement. Damn those
government cutbacks leaving them no spare field agents. On an old
X-Files set, Syd actually kills someone! Then they find an alien
body in a train car. Or maybe just medical equipment. Evil!Francie erases
all of Syd's preset channels and fiddles with the horizontal hold. Bitch.
Vaughn gets a call from Mr. Uma. Or Not!Mr. Uma. One of the Mr. Umas pulls
off a nifty gun flip. Mr. Uma and Mr. Uma 2.0 have a standoff. There's only
room in that face for one of 'em. Syd selfishly blows up the prototype.
Dammit, now how are the Hos supposed to create our army of Vaughns? The
cute boys meet in the Ops Center. Syd tells Mr. Uma that she knew Emma.
Huh? What, did they meet at the Undercover-Agent Christmas party? Now that
Syd and Vaughn can safely have dinner out, they decide to stay in. Syd has
some seduction cooking. Since they can't stand the heat, they get out of
the kitchen. They decide to have dessert first and -- wait, there was a
love scene? Arrrrrrgh, I blinked!! Well, maybe VoyeurFrancie will put the
tape from her illegal Cinemax hookup on eBay and I can get a copy. Too bad
it's from the Wonderful World of Disney version of Cinemax. I've
seen more skin on a grape tomato. Let's all ignore the disturbing certainty
that she's sending Real Media files to Sloane and Sark, who are busy making
popcorn in some creepy manner. With lots of creepy butter. This just proves
that the SpyLovers should have gone to Vaughn's place, because: 1) He
doesn't have a freaky evil doppelganger roommate; 2) There's not an amateur
porn spy camera set up in his television; and 3) I want to see Vaughn's
house, dammit! (OK, so I'm just making an educated guess about the
first two, but the third one's a definite.)
-- By Souris, Vartan Ho #4
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