FUN WITH PHYSICS

Let’s just start with the most important Tool aspect of this episode, shall we? Like, all you viewers know that Vaughn isn’t really dead – right? Because this is now months after the finale, and, besides the fact that my lazy ass is just now getting around to writing this, there are people who are still freaking out that Vaughn is dead. Or trying to prove he's still alive. Okay…

It’s obvious that J.J. and his team of Wonder Writers were smoking some goofy herb when they decided to write the “When Expando Water Balloons Go Bad” scene. I mean, as much as I was sucked into the urgency of the situation and not-so-silently yelling, “Run, Vaughn, run! See Sydney run!” there was still this small place reserved in the back of my mind for “WTF?” Like, how big was that warehouse? Let's add to this equation the length of the hallways and multiply that by ceiling height. This should give us a pretty good idea of the square feet we’ve got to work with. Now, if we knew the volume of that circumference we’d know just how much water it takes to fill an "under the nightclub" swimming pool. But even though we don’t have that special intel, it’s not like the big rubber ball of doom held enough water to sink the Titanic, let alone leave Vaughn and Syd running like they were re-enacting a scene from The Poseidon Adventure. Whatever, J.J., this is so not a cool thing to do. I can totally go for a "Vaughn is in serious danger" scene, but it’s really hard when I’m laughing my freaking ass off at the ridiculousness of this particular situation.

Moving on. Uncle Arvin is up to his old tricks again. The man just can’t stay away from murder…not even to save his own wife. You know, I read the book about the shared qualities of highly motivated people, and not once did it ever mention murdering your spouse for that special promotion as an option. I soooo missed that chapter. Obviously, the Evelyn Woods speed-reading course contains a few flaws…not to mention Uncle Arvin’s moral fortitude. As much as the Willage Idiot is such a doofus at times, Arvin Sloane totally makes Tool of the Year. How will he explain Emily’s death after her miracle cancer remission? For that and other answers, stay tuned for the next episode of "Alias," coming to a television screen near you in September of 2002.

Spygirl, Vartan Ho # 5
July 11, 2002