"I'd unravel every riddle for any individ'le, In trouble or in pain. With the thoughts you'll be thinkin' you could be another Lincoln If you only had a brain. " The Wizard of Oz

Sydney, Sydney, Sydney...where did your brain go? I never thought you would grace the column of Tool of the Week, or be subject to my wand of wickedness. And yet here you are. Who woulda thought you'd become Multiple Personality Spy Barbie extraordinaire. So where do I begin? There's so much ground that needs to be covered.

Syd, girlfriend, is it not enough that you're pulling double spy duty with the CIA and SD-6, that you also feel this ineffaceable need to become the Ann Landers of the spy world? Or are you and Haladki in some kind of competition to see who sends more people to see Dr. Barnett to win that toaster oven? Seriously. Don't you think you have enough problems without contributing to everyone else's woes...especially your father's? Spy Barbie heal thy self.

Remember that small thing you went through back in June, when your fiancé was brutally murdered in your apartment of love and true confessions? It's called grieving. See, maybe it's just me, but I think your Spy Daddy just might be going through something similar now that a few skeletons have been sprung from their watery grave. Let's face it, it's not an everyday trauma to have your wife die on you, learn at the same time she was a spy for the KGB (read: She was using you, dude!), spend six months in solitary confinement facing possible charges of treason as a result of said wife's national allegiance, and then discover twenty some years later that she's probably still alive. It's the little things like this that make us want to have a dozen or two cocktails.

We all know you meant well, Syd. Really we do. You missed out on the whole "Spy Daddy's little girl" phase and now you're trying to make up for all those lost years. Honestly though, I think a smidgen of compassion might go a lot further than egomaniacal arrogance. You've gained a new mission in life: To find Spy Mommy. For what purpose no one knows exactly because you never said. Not once did you say "Dad, I know this is upsetting but if I find mom, you can hang her in the basement and use her as a dartboard. We can invite Vaughn over, order a pizza and have a party. Or, we can bring her to justice." In the mean time, Syd, it probably wouldn't hurt you to place yourself on Dr. Barnett's growing appointment schedule. Something tells me your gonna need her.

Middle of the night rendezvous at the Entrepotdamour. Enter: 'I only think of myself' Spy Barbie personality #2. If nothing else in this whole episode would qualify you for 'tool of the week', Syd, this scene did. You can't sleep. Your mind is on a certain hot, manly man CIA agent and you need some comfort that only a skilled handler can provide. You just have to hear his voice and see his face. At least that's what our Vaughn was hoping when you woke him from his Sydney dream. He arrives at the warehouse, greeting you in his best 'I was sleeping naked so I just threw on some jeans and a white T-shirt with my black leather jacket made by Pheromones, Inc.' But, because you're so self-absorbed with your own needs, never thinking about anyone else, YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE! I swear to Venus, Sydney, what the hell is wrong with you? Kate, Vartan Ho #1, is nursing a bruise on her forehead because she fell flat on her face from lust, and Souris, Vartan Ho #4, needed CPR. Various other emergency rooms across the country were busy last night as a result of that leather jacket but you...you just wanted him to help you find your mother. Talk about confused priorities. I bet Vaughn's really glad you tore him away from his nice, warm bed for a 'I need to find my mommy' conversation. Lest you forget that your evil spy mommy killed his good spy daddy. Then again, why let a small detail like that stop you on your mission of entitlement.

And God...err, J.J. Abrams said, "Let there be love triangles and angst abound." Thanks, J.J. we really needed Noah's arc like we need another global flood. Too bad someone didn't tell Sydney.

Agent, 'I could provide some orthodontist with a summer house in the south of France with my overbite,' Noah Hicks makes his reappearance after his five year sabbatical from Sydney's life. God help me when he removed his mask and I saw him speak for the first time, I really thought he was going to sound like Daffy Duck with speech spray as an added bonus. Say that five times really fast No!Augh, suffering speech spray, suffering speech spray, suffering speech pray...you get the point.

Unfortunately for Vaughn, Sydney, who was kidnapped by aliens while on top of Mount Sabacio and replaced by a human replicant, fell pray to Mouth Man's sssuper ssspecial ssseduction ssscenario. Alright...I lied. Sydney was never abducted by aliens because we all know that's a totally different TV show that should have ended a few years ago. Anyway...

Sydney meets up with her long lost anti-Christ and has a delayed reaction to Vaughn's leather jacket. It's a mournful moment for Vartan Hos around the world for our beloved Secret Agent Man is not present. Instead of showing a little restraint, Lustful Spy Barbie decides now is the time to release her 'I've been a good girl for way too long' hormones - especially since she didn't replace those batteries after her last trip to Italy with Vaughn.

Sydney and No!Augh do the deed, or at least leave the impression that this is what they're going to do. All the while I'm thinking that I really need to pay my electric bill this week, clean the child crud out of my car, and pour myself another Absolute vodka with cranberry. This is not a scene that anyone should have to watch sober. At least you can blame the nausea and surrealism on the alcohol and decide for yourself whether or not Sydney is Tool of the Week.

Spygirl, Vartan Ho # 5