Hi. I’m Spygirl and I’m a Romantic. This isn’t an easy confession for me to make. Public declarations and displays of emotion are generally saved for cute little puppies and kittens, adoring small children before the reign of adolescence kidnaps their souls and wreaks havoc on their personalities, sometimes a compelling film such as Schindler’s List, a few intimate friends, watching Sting in concert and real life events. Rarely does television move me to any depth of emotion and even more rarely does it ever manage to achieve the suspension of my belief in reality.

Sunday night’s Alias episode of Counteragent is the exception to the rule. I cried. The fact that I was moved to this level of sentiment can only be attributed to a well-written teleplay and the remarkable acting of Jennifer Garner (Sydney Bristow) and Michael Vartan (CIA agent, Michael Vaughn).

As with most Alias episodes, Counteragent had sub-plot developments, continued corruption within the nefarious, rogue intelligence agency, SD-6, and lastly ‘Sydney Bristow’ kicking ass and taking no prisoners. Just the regular standards and practices of a typical Alias episode…right? Wrong.

Since Alias debuted on September 30, 2001, the premise of this wildly unbelievable drama has been about Sydney Bristow’s journey to bring an end to the anti-CIA agency SD-6, who murdered her fiancé because he learned Sydney was a spy. Sydney, dedicated to bring her fiancé’s murderers to justice, becomes a double agent for the real CIA and is immediately partnered with Agent Michael Vaughn as her CIA ‘handler.’

The birth of the relationship between Vaughn and Sydney isn’t easy. It’s wrought with power plays and ‘in each other’s face’ arguments, but mostly there’s an underlying respect that can’t, and won’t, be ignored. Slowly, this respect transforms into friendship with Sydney relying on Vaughn as her sole confidant and Vaughn subtly becoming more attached to his ‘asset’ than what protocol would like or dictate.

Sydney and Vaughn work well together. Their personalities inspire the best in each other, but also have a tendency to ignite feelings that are questionably inappropriate for their dangerous careers. This is especially true for Vaughn, who has been known to defy protocol to defend and protect Sydney, including the pronouncement that he can no longer view his ‘asset’ without personal interest.

The fact is, Vaughn has slowly been falling in love with Sydney Bristow, a verity he keeps closely guarded due to the seemingly impossible circumstances being in love with a double agent presents. Viewers have the wonderful position to watch Vaughn, week after week, struggle to maintain his secret while remaining professional as he conducts his duties as a situational friend and handler.

The episodes up to Counteragent only give us extremely brief windows into Vaughn’s personal life, but the ones we do have tell us a story about the man he is. Loyalty, honesty and uncompromising integrity are part of his character, including the ability to sacrifice what he wants most for the safety and well being of a woman he loves…Sydney Bristow.

Like many real life people, Sydney and Vaughn appear to be hopelessly clueless regarding the affection each has for the other. They remain self-contained in each other’s presence and only state what is absolutely necessary for any given situation. The respect and friendship they have towards each other is valued and each person, in their own way, will not risk the sacredness of this bond.

In her private life, we’ve witnessed Sydney attempting to ignore and dismiss her deepening affection toward Vaughn by clinging to the memory of her deceased fiancé. We’ve also been privy to her having a brief, yet fatal affair with a former lover who also happened to be an agent for SD-6 and a brutal serial assassin for hire. Through it all, however, Sydney discovers that the one person she can count on, the one person who won’t lie to her and who is ultimately her ally is Vaughn.

Vaughn’s apparent shaky personal world is rocked when he meets Sydney. He’s consumed with her safety as a double agent for the CIA and is cunning in his ability to extract information regarding her personal life whenever possible. He ends a long-term relationship with his girlfriend, Alice and more or less makes himself available to Sydney no matter what the hour or reason.

An intelligent person would have to suspect that these two characters are not complete idiots and have possibly gained the idea that their relationship is dangerously becoming more than platonic friends. Still, there are no declarations of love, or commitments, and it’s easy to suspect that Vaughn and Sydney perceive themselves alone in their attraction.

So, the bottom line is what will it take to snap these two out of their obliviousness to see that together they’re more than they are as separate entities? Well, it will take an evil spy mother, a narcissistic FBI director, the resurrection of former girlfriend named Alice, a life-threatening virus and possibly months of drawn out angst.

Vaughn is ill. He’s been infected with an Ebola-like virus and he seeks out information from Sydney’s mother, incarcerated Irina Derevko, to find out if there’s a cure for what’s ailing him. There is…but it comes with a price. Vaughn must tell Irina if he’s in love with her daughter. Vaughn agrees to give Irina this information after she helps him and not before.

In a highly dangerous mission, more so than normal, Sydney breaks all the protocol rules of the CIA, including running the risk of blowing her cover at SD-6, for one simple, driving purpose: to save Vaughn.

Through this process, Sydney discovers that Vaughn and his former girlfriend, Alice, have re-established their relationship and Vaughn discovers that Sydney now knows about Alice. The wall of silence that contains each of them becomes cracked when Vaughn follows through with his promise to talk to Irina Derevko.

Humbled, but holding his emotions in check, Vaughn tells Irina that meeting her daughter (Sydney Bristow) was the best thing that could have happened to him. Knowing Sydney has made his life better but it’s also created complications that are not without serious consequence. He struggles with his emotions to contain himself, not wanting to reveal too much to the woman who murdered his father and calmly states he’s not willing to say anymore. Irina, perceptive in all things good and evil simply states, "The problem, Mr. Vaughn is that to the person who matters the most…you haven’t said anything." Vaughn argues the fact that there is protocol and strict rules that govern the relationship between a handler and his asset only to have Irina confront him about the truth between a "man and woman." With this, Vaughn realizes, possibly for the first time, that he owes Sydney the truth about himself. Whatever that truth may be, he needs to confess.

Leaving Irina, Vaughn meets with Sydney and her smile beams at his presence. Their greeting is awkward but after a brief moment, Sydney and Vaughn share an embrace where Vaughn quietly extends his gratitude to Sydney. It can’t be denied that this is going to be one of those great bittersweet moments of Alias. Sydney, tears beginning to well in her eyes, composes herself and moves away from Vaughn and they embark on some important, but mindless chit-chat regarding Sloane and Sark.

The casual conversation, which is so familiar and safe to them, is interrupted when Vaughn tells Sydney he knows she met Alice. Sydney, dreading and attempting to disguise her disappointment and sorrow, quietly states that Alice is “nice.” Vaughn awkwardly explains that he and Alice did break up, but met again several months later at a friend’s house. Sydney interrupts Vaughn and tells him explanations aren't necessary. Vaughn continues to tell Sydney that if the situation were different between them...but Sydney interrupts him, again, by painfully and quietly pleading with him to stop. Forcing a smile, Sydney tells Vaughn she’ll see him tomorrow and walks away.

It’s heartbreaking not only for Sydney and Vaughn but for everyone watching this scene unfold. The most important aspect about this, however, is not the fact that Vaughn uses this opportunity to let Sydney know he’s back with Alice and why, but to convince himself that not loving Sydney is the right thing to do.

As a viewer of Alias and co-webmistress of The Safe House, it’s reasonable to believe that much ado will be made over Vaughn ‘returning’ to Alice. Message boards will echo the opinion of how Vaughn has betrayed Sydney and his relationship with Alice is nothing more than a pursuit of his own prurient self-interests. The most obvious concern is that the revelations of Counteragent could potentially undermine, and even destroy, this character. However, this is a most erroneous assumption.

Michael Vaughn is a noble man, who believes he’s making a sacrifice for the greater good of all concerned regarding his love and devotion toward Sydney Bristow. The idea that he would use another human being, in this case, Alice, for his own gratification is foreign to his belief system. That’s not what his intentions are. Unconsciously, however, it’s easy to see he’s talking himself out of loving Sydney by attempting to force himself to love someone who he knows is a good person and also loves him in return. It’s a much simpler life where no one gets hurt…or so he would think.

The choices he’s made are based on the fact he has no understanding that Sydney has similar feelings and loving her is too good to be true. Sydney Bristow is unattainable and therefore he is the one who needs to readjust his desires.

As Sydney leaves, FBI Director Kendall tells Vaughn Jack has briefed him, and although Sydney broke every protocol (to save Vaughn’s life), he’s glad it worked out. With this revelation, Vaughn realizes that Sydney isn’t to be given up on. That she’s not impossible or unattainable (as he suspected) and that her actions not only spoke of her bravery and courage, but of her love for Vaughn. And just between us Alias fans, maybe Vaughn’s own words regarding his father being a “company man…always doing what was expected of him” came back to haunt him. There are some areas in life where playing it safe is not only the wrong thing to do, but possibly the worst thing to do.

In this brief instant, Vaughn’s world changes again and he walks swiftly after Sydney attempting to stop her before she leaves. It’s scenes like this when you realize our heroes are being self-sacrificial for the good of each other and want all the ‘powers that be’ to make everything work out for them. You want Sydney’s departure to be somehow circumvented, you want Vaughn to run faster to catch her, you want them to ultimately meet and laugh in the face of protocol and caution and most of all you want them both to know they’re on the same page. Unfortunately, it doesn’t happen in a way one would want or hope. Sydney leaves and Vaughn wasn’t able to catch her. Perhaps, however, the slightly bemused smile that appears on Vaughn’s face tells of something far greater than a momentary setback and heartbreaking confessions. Perhaps it speaks of hope and the knowingness that what fate brings together cannot be undone by human rules, regulations, or self-sacrifices made in vain.

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