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The Hos generally have a "let 'em play" attitude. Nobody enjoys a
game slowed down by a lot of fouls. But sometimes, there are
violations we just can't overlook, so we have to blow the whistle and
send the offenders to The Penalty Box. If we had the power, we'd
eject some of them from the game altogether and levy some serious
fines.
On the flip side, some people and things warrant rousing cheers, The
Wave and extra recognition for their positive contributions to the
game, be it on the field (rink, court, screen...) or off. You'll find
these top vote-getters in our All-Stars section.
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Diane Sawyer
Position: Morning-news anchorwoman
Team: Good Morning America
Penalty: Illegal use of the hands (tried to feel up Michael on live television,
making him extremely nervous)
Stats: Possesses inappropriately flirty girlish giggle.
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Stephen Haladki
Position: Interagency liaison
Team: CIA, Los Angeles office
Penalty: Unsportsmanlike conduct; interference; roughing the Vaughn; just
existing
Stats: Huge tattletale. Possesses ability to shapeshift into various
creatures, including a rat and a weasel; so far, has not transformed into a
likable human being.
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Noah Hicks
Position: Secret agent, freelance assassin (emphasis on the "ass")
Team: SD-6, whoever pays him the money
Penalty: Double dribbling (Thufferin' Thuccotash!); illegal use of the hands
(get them *off* Sydney!); encroachment (you don't belong here!); murder
Stats: Liar, liar, liar. Fond of ice-picks. Overbite Boy. Walks like a
monkey-duck sumo wrestler. Talks as if he has a mouth full of peanut
butter. Deceased (and he'd better stay that way). Actor Peter Berg posed
for one of the most hurl-worthy pictures *ever* for "The Great White Hype."
If your stomach is strong enough, you can see it here.
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Wanda
Position: TV writer
Team: eonline.com
Penalty: Indiscriminate fawning
Stats: Despite professing love for Vaughn and MV, gets giddy at Peter Berg's
pecs and the Syd/No!Augh mauling; disburbingly obsessed with "Real World" and
"Road Rules"; always seems to be a couple of steps behind online "Alias" fans
with spoilers.
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Atlanta Braves
Position: Major-league baseball team
Penalty: NL East arch-enemies of MV's beloved New York Mets
Stats: In deference to Michael, we won't bring up the 1999 NLCS.
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Fox Searchlight Pictures
Position: Film distributor
Team: News Corporation
Penalty: Delay of game; MV hoarding
Stats: Doesn't seem to understand the concept of film
distributor as has postponed release of "One Hour Photo" with
Michael Vartan three times. It was first scheduled for Sept. 28,
2001, then December 2001, then April 2002 and now for August 21, 2002
(in limited release only, although previously mentioned as being as
wide as 1,000 theaters).
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E!'s "Rank"
Position: Sh-t listers
Team: E! Television
Penalty: Low-balling; too many (higher-ranked) men on the field
Stats: Ranked Michael Vartan a mere No. 23 on its list of eligible bachelors,
behind such inexplicably higher-ranked choices as Chris Tucker, Craig Kilborn, Jim
Carrey and Owen Wilson. Apparently used Arthur Andersen to tabulate votes.
(No. 23 might be good for Michael Jordan, but it's not good enough for our
Michael!)
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Jimmy Kimmel
Position: Alleged host of "Jimmy Kimmel Live"
Team: ABC
Penalty: Guest fumbling; wasting MV's time; general buffoonishness;
general incompetence
Stats: Despite having an entire week of Mike Tyson as a guest
co-host, seemed more interested in talking to him than actual guest Michael
Vartan. Unable/unwilling to keep Mike Tyson from monopolizing "interview."
Asked inappropriate question about Jennifer Garner's tongue. Confirmed why
other networks won't allow their stars on his show. Worst. Interviewer.
Ever.
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Mike Tyson
Position: Boxer/rapist/ear-biter/all-around head-case
Team: The Looneyville Freakshows
Penalty: Interview encroachment; excessive personal fouls; multiple
offenses against humanity; verbal dribbling
Stats: Horned in on Michael Vartan's interview with inappropriate
and sexist comments; talked about "nailing" Jennifer Garner and Shannen
Doherty; apparently incapable of following thread of normal conversation;
made case that entire human race should have restraining order against him;
has cute but surely psychologically doomed child
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