VARTAN HO CASE FILE #74

The PEOPLE (i.e., Bella, Vartan Ho #9) vs. the MONKEYS (i.e., those primates obviously running Yahoo! Inc., not the 1960's pseudo-band featuring Davy Jones)

Yahoo! is run by monkeys.

How do we know this? Certainly anyone who has ever used the advertisement-and-hidden-catch-ridden system that is Yahoo! can attest that a human possessing a human brain and any semblance of an intelligence quotient could not make the decisions made by those heading this company. Therefore, as humans obviously are not running Yahoo! Inc., the company must be run by monkeys. The writer wishes to clarify that she in no way intends to offend monkeys by associating them with Yahoo!. She does, however, believe that they must be somehow involved in the operation, seeing as they have the opposable thumb necessary for typing and the propensity to do Yahoo!- like things, such as peeling bananas with their toes and licking the windows in the popular monkey observatories at the zoo.

Of course, one cannot make such horrendous accusations against monkeys without proof to verify her case. After all, monkeys are considered innocent until proven guilty in the Vartan Ho Court of Law. As such, the writer has gathered a plethora of evidence to support her case.

FACT #1: The monkey executives at Yahoo! Inc. cannot count.

When reading the above statement, one might infer that the writer believes that the executives at Yahoo! cannot be counted upon. In truth, she literally means that said executives cannot count. Why do you think your Yahoo! e-mail is never delivered promptly? It's because the monkeys in the Yahoo! mailroom are often guilty of transposing times and dates, mistaking letters for numbers, smearing grubs on mail headers and making them virtually illegible, and forgetting which number they're on while counting on their toes.

While discussing bandwidth options for VartanHo.com, Hillary, Vartan Ho #6 and webmaster of the hugely popular Alias fan fiction site "Credit Dauphine," presented more evidence as to this fact: "I have just realized that Geocities WAS LYING to me when it shut down my Web site for going over 3 gigs of transfer. My Web site is 3 times as large and has 2 times as many visitors and I have had only 2 gigs of transfer. LYING, thieving [monkeys!]..." The writer sympathizes and hopes that Ho #6's tenure with another web service (Powweb! Powweb!) will eventually erase her Yahoo! monkey experience from her mind.

Think about it: where do the monkeys who become company executives come from? That's right! They rise through the ranks of the company, often beginning in the mailroom. Therefore, the monkeys that are sending your e-mail and giving you heck over at Geocities are also making decisions about where your personal information should go! Which brings the writer to:

FACT #2: Yahoo! "Web Beacons" and "Marketing Preferences" are the next wave in sinister, money-hungry monkey technology.

For any readers who have not yet experienced the trauma that is belonging to a Yahoo! service (anyone? Anyone? Bueller?), allow the writer to pause this rant for a quick vocabulary lesson to catch you up...

Web Beacon: (n.) Orwellian method of tracking the sites visited by anyone with a Yahoo! ID for "research" purposes. In other words, BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU and the only way to avoid it is to search for a page on the site about said beacons. The writer dares you to find said without Asking Jeeves or Googling. The first to locate the specific page without help wins a free banana from the chief monkey executive officer's personal stash. Or, you know, doesn't. Get looking!

Marketing Preferences: (n.) new feature at Yahoo! which allows the user to "specifically control how Yahoo! markets to you." Translation: Yahoo! will sell your personal information to a third party if you don't wade through the site, find your marketing preference page, and click every single tiny radio button to "no" before June 15th. Don't forget to check that you don't want them to send you junk snail mail! Or call you on your home telephone line! Or hold your grandmother hostage! Don't think they're kidding; the last Yahoo! user who dared to believe it wouldn't happen to him ended up with a T-shirt covered in monkey poo.

So, anyway, the writer's previous arguments boil down to a simple statement: monkeys are mean and like to track your Web usage. Lugia, Vartan Ho #8, has been the writer's Yahoo! Mean Monkey informant in the past; the writer trusts that she will continue to monitor the latest scams pulled by monkeys who can't count so that the writer can pass them on to you. Marketing preferences (hereafter referred to as "Complex Hominoid Intrigue to Mail you Piles of annoying Stuff" or "CHIMPS") and Web beacons (for which the writer cannot think of a clever acronym) are only the Yahoo! monkeys' latest evil plot to take over the world. For example:

FACT #3: The Yahoo! monkeys may be watching you from your home! And they claim that you can lose ten pounds LIKE THAT!

And, apparently, are fascinated with models that are smack on the borderline between "pretty if you squint your eyes" and "uglier than your Aunt Nancy." How else does one explain the millions of ads for tiny Web cams on Yahoo! as of late? Sure, they claim that they are for "home security" to make us "feel safe." Mm-hm. Do monkeys keep strange-looking, almost-pretty-but-not-really models in their homes? Do said models strike strange poses when the words "home security" are uttered in their hearing range? Do said models don police officer hats at random times for no reason? I believe all signs point to the apes, as the writer does not know a single human -- or one who isn't incarcerated, anyway -- who would even think about employing such a security system. The writer has a tip for all Yahoo! users tempted by the idea of keeping burglars out of their houses by using one of these cameras: don't! Don't click "here." Don't set-up in five minutes. Use your brain, look at the ads, and realize how perverted the Yahoo! monkeys must be. There. Don't you feel better? We thought so. Just don't buy the camera, and everything will be fine.

Not only do the monkeys want you to install cameras in your houses so they can laugh at you in that annoying, high-pitched chimpanzee chuckle, they also encourage you to lose ten pounds with E-Diets so that you look better on camera. Think about it. How many pounds does the camera add? And how many pounds do they want you to lose? Seems to the writer that monkeys are looking for a little equilibrium...

The writer believes that the reader will agree that all evidence points to the monkeys. We're sorry to have to send down such an awful and damning sentence, but -- deep breath -- here goes...

Yahoo!...you are RUN BY MONKEYS!