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The Fashion Assassin
Target: Almost Thirty Years
This episode brought to you by: The American Dental Association
Four out of five dentists agree that anesthesia is a plus for the patient
during molar extraction. The "one in five" dentist is just a sadistic
bastard. And don't forget to floss.
Fashion Assassin has to give props to a character called "Suit and
Glasses," even if he is a creepy Asian dentist from hell. Do you think his
name changes with his wardrobe? Like, at home, does his wife call him
"T-shirt and Boxers"?
Francie, again with the Chinese crested hairdo! Poor thing, she'll do
anything to get some attention. I think next season she's gonna try the
Bozo-red hair. Does anyone else wonder if her "07" T-shirt is an allusion
to just how "007" she isn't?
Sydney has the most disparate wardrobe of any TV character ever. From
oversized "I'm sweet and innocent" flannel pajamas to leather "I could kick
your ass without blinking and get off on it" bra in one episode! Cuz, see,
she's a grad student! And a spy! (Seriously, someday Francie has to go into
Syd's closet to borrow a shirt and pull out a leather bustier and rubber
miniskirt instead. Roommate wackiness will ensue!)
Syd's wearing black again -- she must be at SD-6!
Arvin, Arvin, I'm so disappointed in you. I know you're stressed out with
the whole "having to murder your wife" thing, but to fall off the "colored
shirt with white collar" wagon this soon is just pitiful. You didn't even
last a week! And after all my counseling! I feel like such a failure.
Ah, Syd's in blue rubber again. Too bad for the male viewers that it's a
wet suit and not that dress from the maid-to-tart-in-two-seconds Russian
mission.
You know what Jack said about Haladki not wearing a hat? I'm thinking, no
more hats.
Arvin's black turtleneck is très lethal college professor. You simply can't
murder your wife in, say, a green turtleneck. It's just not done.
There's more leather in that club than a herd of cows. Matrix!Vaughn is
to-die-for. I said, to-die-for, J.J., capeche? OK, seriously? HUBBA
HUBBA! We need to get this boy in leather with spiky hair more often. Like,
every episode. And in a case of "details matter," check out his diamond
stud and pimp rings!
Syd looks like Strawberry Shortcake's pal Blueberry Muffin. After she grew
up and got into hardcore S&M, that is. I wonder if Vaughn keeps smelling
her hair? (What can I say? Fashion Assassin is a child of the '80s.)
Only Syd & Vaughn could look that sexed up and downright adorable at
the same time. Do you think they had to go to an S&M shop in L.A. or Taipei
to get their outfits? Fashion Assassin would've paid BIG BIG money to have
seen that scene. ("Here, Syd, why don't you try on this leather bra and dog
collar? You really need to. I mean, you want to fit in, right? And do you
need any help getting it on?") In fact, I propose a lengthy flashback for
the 2nd-season opener!
Hmmm. And now Jack with the turtleneck. Turtlenecks are officially IN. All
the cool spy statesmen are wearing them.
Vaughn, I know you're drowning and all, but please don't get rid of the
Spike-coat. Alright, alright, if it comes down to your life or the
Spike-coat, you can take it off. But, like, last resort, OK? I think it
should have its own contract for Season 2.
Wig count: 0 blonde, 0 brunette, 0 redhead, 1 non-granny blue.
--By Souris, Vartan Ho #4
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