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The Fashion Assassin
Target: Rendezvous
This episode brought to you by: Ernest & Julio Gallo
Try our new merlot -- it's got blackberry undertones and a woodsy,
radioactive bouquet! Perfect for tracking down wayward lovers who wander
off after having a bit too much wine with dinner.
Carrying over from last week: Mmmmmm, casual Vaughn with stubble in bright
sunlight, mmmmmmmmm.
Will, still with the T-shirts? And what's with the constant
layering? You're still in L.A., right, you didn't get lost and wind up in
the Adirondacks?
From the day-planner of Alain Christophe "9 a.m.: Torture Poole, Edward
Poole. 11 a.m.: Threaten to kill Sloane's wife. Note to self: Have
secretary make botox appointment ASAP!"
Have you noticed that Sydney's always wearing black when she's at SD-6? I
don't think it's because she needs a slimming color. Fashion Assassin's
money is on the "Sydney's dressing for working with the Devil" wardrobe
symbolism.
OK, Will, the green dress shirt and tie combo wasn't bad at all. It was
actually kind of nice. But then you had to PUT THE TAN SPORTSCOAT on over
it! What did I tell you about that jacket last week? You just don't
listen, do you?
Chanteuse Syd looked like a strung-out cross between Shirley Manson of
Garbage and Kelly Osborne who took makeup advice from Tammy Faye Baker.
Frankly, it was not one of her better looks. No wonder Will screamed when
he saw her. And that French maid-meets-Madonna get-up sure put the "bust"
in "bustier." It's a good thing that she took time to grab her jacket to
cover up with before going to rescue Will, or else he'd have had a whole
lot else to goggle at during her action moves.
No garter for Dixon during the fake-Rambaldi-page switcheroo, thank God.
"He needs a makeover!" Yeah, Jack, Fashion Assassin has been saying that
about Willage for a while now. Oh, and don't forget, Estee Lauder has a
free gift for him afterward with purchase.
Boxer briefs? Gah! Willage Idiot can't even decide between boxers and
briefs! And all he needed was some gold chains to really complete the '80s
lounge lizard look. Seriously, could that outfit have drawn any more
attention to him?
Arvin, we need to talk. I'm clearing my schedule so I can organize an
intervention about these patterned dress shirts with the white collars that
you seem to have become addicted to. When I saw the one with the
checkerboard pattern, I knew you needed help. Serious help. Together, we
can get through this fashion crisis. You just have to admit that you have a
problem.
Wig count: 0 blonde, 0 brunette, 1 REDhead. 1 Adam Sandler circa "The
Wedding Singer" for Willage.
--By Souris, Vartan Ho #4
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