Crossings

Episode Number: 3.12

Original Air Date: January 18, 2004

Written By: Josh Appelbaum & Andre' Nemec

Last time on Alias: Vaughn's still in love with Sydney. That's all you need to know.

We open on Vaughn and Syd sucking face. Which is just fine by me. This is a good thing. But they're torn apart by some evil henchman working for J. J. Abrams. Grr.

They're taken outside (because killing them inside would make a mess, of course) to be shot by a firing squad of doom. Syd and Vaughn look at each other one last time. Then shots are fired.

Okay, we know they aren't dead. Why do writers do this? It's a dumb plot-trick that never works and isn't interesting. We know they can't be dead since they're the stars of the freakin' show.

Anyway, a bunch of hours earlier we see that Dixon has his drinking and cross-dressing problem under control and has once again joined the land of the living people. The RoboDixon has been tucked away for now. Thank you. He's explaining the plot, which is so boring that I won't bother to recap, while LuEvil looks on. Oh, by-the-way, we know she's truly evil because of that uber-evil ponytail she's wearing. She's also giving evil stares with shady background music, thus confirming she's evil. She's looking at Dixon like, "I'm eventually going to kill everyone in this room, you know."

Anyway, all that's important is that a guy is defecting from the Covenant and it's making LuEvil squirm in her underoos. When the most-boring-meeting-ever is over, she goes up to Sydney and asks if she'd like to have dinner next Tuesday when Michael is off playing hockey. Syd's like, "Who are you again? Oh! I forgot you were still here. Dinner? Um... lets not and say we did." Hahah seriously the look on Syd's face was priceless. She agrees, cause you know, maybe there will be a chance to watch her choke to death on a sprig of lettuce.

So LuEvil meets up with her handler, The Mummy. Dude, from a God-like mummy to driving the skanky unablonder around in a cab??! Fire your agent. Immediately.

Anyway he insists on killing Vaughn and Sydney. She needs to find out where they're taking off. So LuEvil goes sneaking into Vaughn's files. Vaughn interrupts her. "Excuse me, um..I forgot... oh whatever your name is, what kind of crack are you smoking? Inviting Sydney, the love of my life, out for dinner?" So he takes out his gun and shoots her in the face. Oh no... wait. I'm taking a few liberties with the plot here. My bad.

He tells her stop trying to get close to Sydney- the only woman he'll ever love- cause he's a little worried that overbite of hers might be catchy.

Dumbest. Assassination plot. Ever. The freakin moron Mummy has a scoped-out rifle in his hand, and instead of, you know, SHOOTING THEM IN THE HEAD, in an attempt to look cool he uses some sort of insanely unnecessary drug on the pilots which will kill them in mid-flight. It's genius I tell you!! What is wrong with these villains? Are they so hard-up to look cool and use special super-spy weapons that bullets to the head have gone out of style? I feel like I'm watching Dr. Evil. Freakin monkeys.

So Sark is meeting up with The Mummy. He doesn't know that LuEvil is...evil. And he demands a little R.E.S.P.E.C.T. The Mummy simply laughs at him.

On Air UST, Vaughn gets all snippy with his future wife, just as the plane banks hard. Pilots are dead. Suddenly Syd and Vaughn are professional fighter pilots. You see? This is why shooting people in the head is always the best idea.

LuEvil stares longingly at a picture of Vaughn and herself that she made with her Photoshop 7.0. - cause Vaughn refused to take take a picture with her. So she just cut out Alice's head from an old picture and put her own in it's place. Jack comes over and tells her about the plane going down. 'What Vaughn and Sydney need now is my strength.' 'Don't you mean our strength?' 'Yeah, whatever.' He laughs and walks away.

Dixon tells everyone that Syd and Vaughn have been disavowed by the government, but, "Screw em!" Welcome back Dixon. Welcome back.

Jack contacts Irina. Its great that even super-duper secret CIA cool looking chat rooms give you smilie options. Hahahahaa. I can't see Jack sending a smilie to anyone. In fact, he'd probably kill anyone who sent him one. Irina says she'll send help.

Vaughn and Syd survive the crash, of course, and blow up the plane. Nothing like a little romantic firelight to set the mood for some amore. Vaughn stares at her longingly. "Love you. Can't live without you."

Jack puts down his copy of "Spies for Dummies," or was it "Alice in Wonderland"... I'm not sure what's scarier... and answers the door. Isabella Rossellini walks in. Good lord woman! Two words: Cover. Up. That's all I'm sayin'. And what's with the Dutch Boy haircut?? Why do beautiful women do this to themselves?

Anyway there's all kinds of tension between her and Jack. She says she'll help him as long as he kills Sloane. Jack's all, "Gee, let me think about that...."

Weiss-bear tells LuEvil that Vaughn and Syd are still alive. Her happiness couldn't have been less convincing if she'd thrown a tantrum and started shooting up the office.

Vaughn and Syd find a car. While trying to start it, he tells her how hard everything has been, and how much he loves her. Syd tells him about the event that never existed and we shall not speak it's name. She tells him she's moving on, if it helps him feel any better.

LuEvil is talking to The Mummy right in the middle of Spy central. Brilliant I tell you. "Can you hear me now? Gooood." She's very disappointed that the job didn't go according to plan. She tells him he'd better shape up or she'll be calling the Scorpion King in to finish the job.

Isabella Rossellini meets with her contact who owes her a favor. He tells her he can't help. She's not asking, she's telling. And she means business. We know this because she grabs two skewers and stakes them into the guy's hands. Niiiiice. This is a woman you don't want to mess with. Jack gets stabbed fighting a few bad guys. Isabella Rossellini is about to fricassee the bad guy's face before he finally agrees to her terms.

Syd and Vaughn make their way through the town of Asian actors who can't get better jobs than walking livestock around, to see the Covenant defector. Oh my God, it's Griffin Dunne!! He's an acclaimed actor and director, but I still can't look at him without thinking, "Who's That Girl?" (obscure Madonna movie reference).

Before Syd and Vaughn can get to him, Sark gets there first. It's funny to hear David Anders using his real American accent... it's almost like it's fake. Then again, we're used to that on this show. But unlike some people, it's actually pretty sexy on him.

Syd and Vaughn interfere before Sark gets away with Griffin. But they're caught by Korean military. Uh oh.

Jack and Irina's sister, Isabella Rossellini, talk while fixing Jack's very nasty and crunchy sounding wound. There's all kinds of tension. She rocks.

Syd and Vaughn are roughed up a bit and the stoolpigeon Griffin squeals like a little bitch that they're CIA. When our lovebirds are finally left alone, they huddle together for comfort. Gosh, these characters have so much chemistry... someone should think about getting them together. Soon. Crazy talk, I know.

Jack goes to live up to his end of the deal when Isabella Rossellini calls Sloane. She tells him to back off of Irina. Hmm. She tells him he can easily be 'gotten to' by even the people he trusts. Sloane then sees Jack waiting in the lobby. Isabella Rossellini then calls Jack and tells him to call off the hit.

Finally, the scene we've been waiting for. The scene we've been owed for quite some time. Vaughn finally breaks down and tells Sydney how much he loves her and what she means to him. Sydney is crying. She kisses him and tells him that they'll find each other again. Then some assbag guards interrupt MY MOMENT! Bastids! Dirty rotten scoundrels! Can I say how hot Michael Vartan is, by-the-way? All dirty and confessing his love ::sighs::.

So the interrupting assbags take them outside and stand our pair against a bloody wall. Nice detail. Of course, they're saved before anyone kills them and they make it home with the stoolpigeon.

Back at the 'boy, this is going to get awkward' CIA HQs, everyone is happy to see them. Dixon and Marshall all give hugs and handshakes. Jack and Syd hug. LuEvil flips on her obvious brainwashing mojo and Vaughn goes running. See, I know there are a lot of people that make fun of the COW because of her eyebrows. I never cared about her eyebrows. A lot of women's brows are darker than their hair. What does bother me is the overbite-that-killed-all-other-overbites. I mean....damn. Seriously dude. Just... damn. There's technology that can fix that now, you know? It's seriously distracting.

Anyway, Jack visits with Isabella Rossellini once again and tells her 'thank you'. She tells him that someday, Irina's intentions will be known and that day will be unmistakable. She then kisses Jack softly, "from Irina." Then she kisses him like he's got the antidote in his mouth, "for me."

I'm going to go soak my head and dream of Hot!Vaughn telling Syd how much he loves her... and knowing, somehow, the writers are going to mess it up.