The Nemesis

Episode Number: 3.06

Original Air Date: Nov. 2, 2003

Written By: Crystal Nix Hines

Last time on Alias: yet another wasted opportunity to kill the COW; dammit, she's still mooing.

Sydney runs like a girly man through the park as Sloane walks on through. He's still evil; we know this because he's wearing those orange-tinged, "I'm trying to act 15, even though these would look bad on a 15-year old too," glasses. He says something evil, twists his pointy mustache and leaves.

At the ice rink, Vaughn and Weiss are playing "Weiss on Ice" where Weiss basically gets hit in the nads a lot. After all, Vaughn needs somewhere to take out his sexual frustration. Next scene- unfortunately Sark's hair is growing back, and so are his boring plotlines. Shave his head again and get our dangerous Hot!Sark back.

At the CIA, Carl Lumbly got drunk before his slideshow scene, just to prove he doesn't even need to be conscious to film his scenes anymore. Ahh, looks like Lupac decided she's going to be British for this scene. Jolly good! Sydney takes over Lupe's job -- no, not as Vaughn's wife... unfortunately -- but as Sloane's handler. Lucky her.

Hey-- Merrin's back! Yippee! It'll be nice to watch this show with proper villains again. As Souris would say, her hair is Panteneriffic! She and Sark kiss hello. Commercial break. Ooo...looks like she and Sark did more than kiss.

PS- J.J...can we please, for the love of all that's holy, stop using a half an hour of each show to explain the freaking plot to new viewers??? This is why you're losing old viewers, man! Freaking monkey. Anyway...

Loosa meets up with the ass-mole from the NSC that we thought we'd never have to see again. She's ordered not to tell Vaughn about it. Aww, shucks. Ooo FLASH!!! SHIRTLESS VAUGHN SCENE! SHIRTLESS VAUGHN I SAY! Oh wow, what a wonderful scene. This is just the best...wait... what in the hell???? No...no please...make it stop. Mommy make it stop! My eyes!!!!!!! There is no God!!! Great, now I can't watch the rest of the show, cause, you know, MY RETINA'S HAVE BEEN BURNED AWAY! How dare this skank interrupt my beautiful shirtless!Vaughn scene -- which I believe we deserved after all the crap we've had to deal with ::wipes away tears::-- with her Anorexic-Barbie, Jaclyn Smith underwear wearing, white as Michael Jackson, crackwhore-like stick figure. Can I get an Amen??

Anyway...now that my EYES HAVE BEEN BURNED OUT and I feel the sudden urge to boil my clothes and take a shower... Anorexic Barbie meets some guy in a warehouse for information. All that's important is that she's still alive. God damn that scene sucked. Ugh! ::smacks head:: Get out, get out, get out. Image be gone!! Is there an Exorcist in the house?? Next scene- another tight-squeezed van mission for Vaughn and Syd. Just the way I like it. Syd's dressed like some sort of demented Powerpuff girl. Vaughn notices she's still pretty cute. Syd moves through the club looking for some guy with lots of reconstructive surgery. It's pretty hypocritical how Vaughn criticizes everyone in the club, yet his wife's udders go completely unscrutinized. Vaughn makes a crack about getting facial surgery. Vaughn, you silly beautiful man. On behalf of all the Vartan Hos-- and just plain women that are alive and breathing-- don't you dare change a thing about your face! Besides, all that anesthesia would give some crazy person ample opportunity to molest you in the hospital. Not that I've thought about it or anything...

Oh I just love that Alison is back. Can we keep her please? She's the best villain. She rocks all over the place. Ooo she just knocked Syd straight on her ass. Go Alison, it's your birthday.... Next scene- back at the CIA, I think Weiss has a crush on Syd. I love my teddy bear, but bad Weiss! Bad! There's another CIA meeting. Dixon is high on crystal meth and wearing assless leather chaps and a tube top, dancing around giving his briefing -- just because he knows not one person in the room notices him anymore.

Oh, by-the-way, the whole plot is about getting some Russian intel from this evil guy. That's pretty much it- all ya need to know. Moving on...

Lezzie finds "Julia's" old digs. Sloane visits Alison and Sark on his first CIA double agent mission. DixonBot, still trying to get some attention, tells Syd to kill Alison. He didn't think it would work but Syd is finally listening to him. Dixon rocks this scene. He's got a chip on his shoulder from that time Alison murdered his wife, and wants her dead now that she's no use to the CIA. He's swearing! Wow! He does have a purpose!

Back with Left-Eye, she figures out how to trace the Extreme Makeover guy using the X-ray scans Syd took. Everyone suddenly thinks she's smarter than the average bear. Marshall asks for Vaughn's advice on how to propose to Carrie. He plays a mean drum solo, which is the funniest thing in the world. Holy crap. Weisman and Vartan play off each other really well in this scene. And Marshall is right; Vaughn does have the looks. ; ) Alison has the most evil walk ever. Hot damn she rocks. We finally get to see a nice flashback to how Alison killed Francie. Syd goes after Alison, but gets the smackdown -- again -- proving white girls can't throw. But Syd can certainly shoot a gun just fine, and shoots Alison in the chest yet again. Wench is still alive. Good-- she's great. She's taken away by an ambulance with one guard. Amazingly, Dixon -- drunk, high on crystal meth, wearing leather chaps and a tube top -- is the only genius to see that this may not be the best idea. We find out that Alison, making the number one mistake every villain makes-- instead of just shooting Syd in the head and running away, she gives away the entire super-secret evil plot in her arrogance, can rapidly heal from just about any wound, with help with some Rambaldi medication. she takes out the ambulance driver and the guard and makes a clean getaway, leaving Syd and Vaughn looking very, very dumb.

Next ep looks great. Lassie and Vaughn fight, and there looks to be some good assassination attempts on her. Will she die? Will she be beaten and forced to listen to Michael Bolton -- his Christmas album -- for all she put me through this week? God DAMN that scene sucked! I'm going to go cry it out. See you next week.