The Safe House - Expositions

She's smart. She's beautiful. And she can kick anyone's butt if she puts her mind to it. "Alias" star's Golden Globe winner Jennifer Garner as Sydney Bristow, a double agent for the CIA. Her mission: to wear slinky outfits, don multi-colored wigs, infiltrate the evil, anti-American organization known as SD-6, and save the world along side her father Jack Bristow, also a double agent for the CIA.

If you've ever dreamed of becoming a special agent for the United States Government or wished that you could be more like Sydney Bristow, the all American spy, then here are a few simple tips that I think might come in handy in your pursuit to save the world.

Number 1: Be nice to your mother.

The sophomore season of this hit show adds Sydney's mother to the mix, played by the exquisite Lena Olin. Her character, Irina Derevko, (once assumed dead) has since been discovered alive overseas working as a spy for the KGB. Now that she's been spotted, mama has decided to come home to rekindle the broken relationship with her daughter and rebuild the bridges she burned with the U.S. Government. The problem: Sydney doesn't believe in her mother's newfound redemption, while neither does the CIA, since they've had her locked up Hannibal-style since the first episode aired. In a previous episode, Ms. Derevko single handedly killed several of the CIA's own operatives with an AK-47 rifle, so you can see how one might have trust issues concerning a woman of this magnitude. But in her defense, Irina has made several attempts to persuade her CIA capturers of her sudden change in values by providing them with valuable intelligence that has not only saved the life of her daughter, Sydney, but has also aided them in their quest for world peace. But is Sydney's mother just pretending to be good or is she really bad to the bone? Some bad news for Irina lovers: when you have a television show about spies, everyone involved must have a secret agenda because that's just the rule, otherwise, the show would be boring. So I guess we'll just have to wait and see where Ms. Derevko's true loyalty lies. Besides, speculation is a large part of the fun. In the meantime, remember to always be nice to your mother. There's always the possibility that she might kill you.

Number 2: Keep a close eye on your father.

Last season on Alias, the show hinted at the possible involvement of Jack Bristow in the assassination of Sydney's fiancé shortly after she confessed her involvement with SD-6 to him. It's obvious that daddy hasn't been telling the whole truth because we get to see the scenes that Sydney's not in. So basically, we get to hear the dirt. But the question is: if Jack Bristow truly were one of the good guys, then why would he feel the need lie to his daughter, especially since they supposedly work on the same side? Meanwhile, as Sydney seems to become closer to her mother, daddy seems to be resenting it more by the minute. In fact, Ms. Derevko's ex-husband has been curiously adamant about keeping Sydney away from her mother. Anyone who would blow up a building and then frame the mother of your daughter as the potential suspect has got to have some deep seeded family bonding issues. But what does Jack Bristow have to hide? Why would a man come so gravely close to killing his own daughter just to keep her away from her mother? Whatever the case may be, just remember that daddy's always watching. So make sure that you always do too.

Number 3: Always go to church.

If you have a secret to hide, you should never tell anyone. But more importantly, you should never, ever write it down. But if you do, just remember to always write it down in a Bible because no one ever thinks to look there. Well, that is accept for the CIA, because that's apparently what the KGB did and now the U.S. Government wants to see that Bible badly. But what is actually written in the text of this so-called Bible? Is it what the CIA hopes it to be - the instruction manual for the KGB? It's doubtful that is the case since the writers would have to come up with an entire new plot for the show. But if it is, and this supposed Bible were the only leverage that Sydney's mother had to keep herself alive and out of prison, then why would she be so willing to give it up? Doesn't she know that in the spy world, you never put all of your eggs into one basket? So many questions, so little time. I suggest that in times like this, you go to church and ask God for the answers you seek. Especially when the network executives won't even give you a clue. And believe me, I've begged.

Number 4: Always have a partner.

Another question that's been on everyone's mind this season is that while dealing with the trials of saving the universe, whomever in the world will Sydney date? Will it be Vaughn, who is alive and well (at least for now) from his presumed drowning at the end of season one? Or is it going to be Will, who after his discovery of SD-6, has been forced into going to weekly NA meetings in order to save his slated life? Personally, I think that it should be Vaughn because he's cuter, and knows karate. However I think that the network may want to keep Sydney single for a little while longer because I read somewhere that while having family dinners in prison may have been fashionable at one time, according to Entertainment Weekly, that was now out. Can you picture it? "Honey this is my mother... behind the bullet-proof glass." When times are tough and family fails, always have friends gathered around you for support (just as long as their name isn't Francine and they know a little something about the spy world).

Number 5: Pack plenty of ammunition.

Saving the world is difficult task for anyone to accomplish. A far greater task however, is choosing the right outfit to wear while you do it. Wardrobe plays a huge role in the Alias series and has become one of the fans favorite aspects of the show. Which outfit in Sydney's closet has that perfect combination of sporty, yet hip, that today's college student/CIA spy would feel most comfortable in while fighting crime? Only the girls in the wardrobe department know for sure and they're not talking either. But what I know for sure is that every week, Sydney Bristow comes out swinging. Anyone who can run up a wall, perform a double back flip, and drop kick the enemy while wearing an adult version of a girl scout uniform complete with thigh-high leather boots and a cute red wig is one bad bitch. Make sure that you keep your closet packed with the latest fashions too, just as long as they also prove to be functional in the line of duty.

Number 6: Play fair.

In order to beat the enemy, you're going to have to know the enemy. And that means studying their every move. To be more like Sydney Bristow, here is some criteria that you're going to first have to meet: you'll need to become an expert in the 237 different styles of martial arts. You should be able to learn amplified gymnastics by watching the winter Olympics. You should know how to lie (undetected) to both of your parents and stay out past curfew. You'll need to be experienced in hang-gliding over mountains and other treacherous terrain. You should be the best swimmer at the neighborhood pool. Finally, you'll need to make straight A's in every foreign language at the local school. In each episode of Alias, Sydney stresses these six main areas and you should too. Sydney Bristow didn't just become a special agent for the CIA. She was trained as one. In order to hang with the big boys, you're going to have to first learn the rules. And always remember to play fair with the other trainees in your class. Number 7: Watch Alias for further training.

Everyone wants to be a secret spy for the government and by following these simple rules, you can too. As long as you keep these ideas fresh in your mind: boyfriends will come and go, family will sometimes kill you, and that the secret to becoming a successful spy lies solely within the wardrobe. By doing this, you will soon be on your way to becoming just like Sydney - the greatest secret agent that television has ever known. Alias comes on Sunday nights at 9pm on ABC.

Back To All About Alias 2002