The Safe House - Expositions

Hello. Today I will be sharing a few well-thought-out words about Alias (9 p.m. Sundays, ABC). While many of my readers are thrilled by the ''concept'' of this show -- a college grad student who is a double agent for the CIA, and wears brightly colored wigs and leather push-up bras -- many of you are ''afraid'' to jump into the show now, because you won't know what's going on. Well, pish-tosh, my friend! I consider it my job not only to instruct my readership in the seductive ''Art of the French Kiss,'' but to occasionally speak on the topic of television as well! Therefore, I've decided to get you caught up on everything you've missed so far on Alias.

Sydney Bristow (played by Jennifer Garner) was a mousy college grad until she was approached by the CIA to become a special agent. (The same thing happened to me, but I said, ''Up yours, pig!'') But as it turns out, it wasn't the CIA she was working for! It was a rogue bunch of agents called SD-6 who screw things up for America by stealing guns, swiping secrets and acting like big pricks. Sydney began to suspect her employers might not be on the up-and-up when her supervisor had her fiance murdered. (Again, the same thing happened to me, but she was my first wife, and she wasn't exactly murdered. My boss hit on her, she accepted, and now they're living together in Pennsylvania as Mormons. Funny how life works.)

Anyway! So Sydney goes, ''Oh, crap! I'm in the soup now!'' because she thinks she's next! Luckily for her, Sydney's estranged dad is ALSO an agent for SD-6 (funny how life works), and he pulls her two-percent body fat out of the fire. Then he says, ''Ho! Ho! Actually I'm a double agent for the real CIA, and now you are too!'' And she says, ''Ho! Ho! OK.'' Now whenever she goes on missions for SD-6, she also gives the information to her CIA ''handler,'' Michael Vaughn. (It should be noted that Michael Vaughn is a goddamn dreamboat, and doesn't do nearly enough ''handling.'' IF you know what I mean ...)

Now! Sydney has two friends at home who don't know she's a secret agent: Francie is a black person who apparently likes hanging out with honkies, and Will Tippin is a reporter who spends almost every scene eating a sandwich. (Now ... that is exactly like me, except my black friends don't like hanging around me so much.) Anyhoo, Will is secretly in love with Sydney, so he starts sticking his snoot into her fiance's death and finds himself in Dutch with SD-6 and the Russian version of SD-6, which is called K-Directorate (if there's anything worse than an evil CIA, it's an evil KGB!).

So Sydney and her pop rush in and pull Will's sandwich-eating fat out of the fire ... but what's this?? They run into the leader of K-Directorate and it's Sydney's long-lost MOM! And Sydney goes, ''Mom, what the fawk?!?'' And Sydney's mom goes, ''Ho! Ho! Here is a surprise for you! I'm EVIL.'' Then she shoots Sydney in the tit.

OK. And that's all you need to know. Next week I'll catch you up on another of my favorite shows, Blue's Clues, which probably won't take so long to explain.

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