The Safe House - Expositions

I know that standing on the red carpet and recognizing all the stars can't be as easy as it looks. But last night the people behind-the-scenes were saying incorrect things into Joan's ear. That Andie MacDowell was on "CSI" (confusing her with Jorja Fox perhaps?) That Christine Lahti was on "The West Wing."

Sure, only Joan was to blame when she asked Julianna Margulies about starring in "E.T." That's my point -- Joan says enough wrong things on her own. She needs the people behind-the-scenes to be working with her, not against her. It was like they were sabotaging her. Don't worry Joan, I'm coming to save you.

Now let's get to some awards of my own (General disclaimer: I'm not saying I would be the best-dressed if I attended the Golden Globes. But I fail to understand how stars who are surrounded by professional handlers are allowed out of the house looking like they do).

Most Ridiculous Line Said by Joan: To Dennis Haysbert star of "24," which Joan kept calling "24 Hours" : "Who's alive in your family to know that you're doing well?"

Most Ridiculous Line Said by Melissa: To Jane Krakowski, star of "Ally McBeal": "The show is still a huge hit." A more honest statement would have been, "Jane, the show is tanking in the ratings and there's talk that FOX won't pick it up for next season, and you still only have five lines per episode."

Worst Makeup, Female: Portia de Rossi's eye shadow was frightening.

Worst Makeup, Female Runner-up: Props to Angelina Jolie for looking more normal, but her painted on eyebrows were uneven.

Worst Makeup, Male: Why was Ewan McGregor wearing eye make up?

Worst Dressed, Female: "Borderline, feels like I'm going to lose my mind, but you keep on pushing my love over the borderline." Can anyone tell me why Sarah Jessica Parker was dressed like Madonna circa 1983?

Worst Dressed, Female Runner-up: Rachel Griffiths in that lavender, feathered nonsense. I was hoping she wouldn't win because I didn't think that outfit deserved to be on stage.

Best Acceptance Speech, Female: Jennifer Garner who made fun of herself with the line "I know I was good in 'Dude, Where's My Car?' but seriously." I was thrilled to see Jennifer win, but I must admit it was bittersweet. It remains so very unfair that Sarah Michelle Gellar has never won for her strong female role.

Best Acceptance Speech, Male: I certainly wouldn't have picked Charlie Sheen as Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy (did the Hollywood Foreign Press Association think they were still voting for Michael J. Fox?), but I loved that he thanked everyone by their first name and last initial. I have to believe those are the people in his addict support groups.

Most Improved Acceptance Speech: At least Russell Crowe didn't seem angry that he won.

Worst Acceptance Speech, Male: Harrison Ford knew the award was coming, why was his speech so bad? He was shaking and looked like he didn't quite know what was going on. Ford was probably upset that they included "Six Days, Seven Nights" in his movie montage. And, by the by, I think Ben Affleck (who looked terrific) calling him "my hero" was a little much.

Worst Hair, Female: Oh, there were some bad styles sauntering down the red carpet. Obviously, Rachel Griffiths' poodle 'do. But can anyone tell me what Heather Locklear was thinking? She looked like she just stepped off the set of "T.J. Hooker" with those big hot-roller curls. Obviously she still looked beautiful (hello, it's Heather we're talking about), but I expected more from her. And what was up with Nicole Kidman having her hair pulled back in one of those barrettes you buy at Walgreen's? I'm blaming it on jet lag.

You Can Take the Girl Out of Brooklyn, but You Can't Take the Brooklyn Out of the Girl: Leah Remini dressed like she was the slut at the high school prom. Any one else wondering what she and Sean "P.Diddy" Combs were talking about?

Biggest Disappointment: Sela Ward in that horrible red bow tie number. I was afraid Joan Rivers was going to ask her to return her Golden Hanger award right then and there. Ditto for Debra Messing.

Best Dressed, Female: With so many stars wearing positively atrocious outfits, the pickings were definitely slim, but I have to go with Julianna Margulies.

Best Dressed, Male: Dennis Quaid. Damn, that man looked good.

Best Dressed Couple, TV Stars: Jennifer Garner ("Alias") and Scott Foley ("Felicity")

Best Dressed Couple, Movie Stars: Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe

Worst Dressed Couple, Movie Stars: Cameron Diaz and Jared Leto looked like they had picked their outfits out of a Salvation Army bin.

Get Her a Good Moisturizer, Stat: Judy Davis

Fun Game to Play While Watching the Golden Globes: Count Julia Roberts ex-boyfriends -- Kiefer Sutherland, Dylan McDermott, Benjamin Bratt, Matthew Perry.

Other thoughts: I hate the whole phrase "I would like to thank." You wouldn't like to thank someone, you actually are thanking them.

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