The Safe House - Expositions

I am nothing if not fickle. There are moments when I can love something more than life itself--and then just as quickly HATE IT with such a burning passion I could grab it and strangle it and break it into a billion pieces before I stomp, Stomp, STOMP it into the ground!! Then it does something nice like buy me dinner and I love it again. Such is my love/hate relationship with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which I could easily pee on right now. So I've decided to hate it and slobber all my love and affection on my new favorite bestest show in the world, Alias (Sundays, 9:00 p.m., ABC).

Ohhhhh, how I love thee, Alias! Let me count the ways:

(1) You have the best plot ever, which is about a grad student (Sydney Bristow) who gets tricked into joining an evil division of the CIA, and becomes a double agent who runs around the world beating the shit out of foreigners and looking so goddam hot I just wanna UNNH! I just wanna UNNH-UNNHH! I just wanna freak her UNNH-NASTY!

(2) And another thing I love is that when she's not running around looking hot and beating up foreigners, she's keeping her identity secret from her friends, patching up her relationship with her deadbeat double-agent dad, and trying to keep her pants on around her good-guy CIA partner who is also so hot I just wanna UNNH! I just wanna UNNH-UNNHH! I just wanna freak him UNNH-NASTY!

(3) And yes, there are other things I love about Alias, but now I grow bored from talking about good things, and am ready to HATE--and you know what happens when I HATE... don't you? And if there's one character worthy of my pure crystalline hatred, it's Sydney's reporter pal, Will Tippin.

Ohhhh, Will Tippin! How I despise you. In fact, let me count the ways!

(1) You are in love with Sydney, and I hate that! At this point she has a choice: either do the UNNH-UNNH freak nasty with "good-guy CIA partner," or do the UNNH-UNNH freak nasty with ME. Sorry, shitheel, but there's no more room at the inn!

(2) You're always trying to inadvertently get Sydney killed, by nosing around in her secret double-agent lifestyle! How am I supposed to get my freak on, if she's DEAD? (Hmmm... I suppose I could still get my freak on with her partner.) And though you CLAIM to be in love with Sydney, you are always boning your intern at the newspaper! Ohhhh, sure! I'd love to bone an intern, but since I don't HAVE an intern, I don't get that luxury, NOW DO I???

And (3) Will Tippin dresses like shit, and he's always eating a goddam apple! He's like, "Ooooh, look at me! I'm Mr. 'Casual Guy'! I'm wearing my corduroys, boning my intern, and eating an apple!" Well, FREAK YOU, Mr. Will "Casual Guy" Crappin! Alias is my favorite freaking show in the world, and since someone I HATE so intensely is on that show... well, you know what THAT means!!

I love you.

April 4, 2002

Example two! After announcing recently how I was jealous of Will Tippin (the "casual" reporter guy on Alias who regularly bones his intern), I have been inundated with intern resumés--many of which place "boning" at the top of their "work-related experiences." But see, I don't actually want to bone interns all day long, because that would make me just like that casual creep Will Tippin! Therefore I will live vicariously through him, which will not only save me much- needed time, but quite possibly a number of penicillin shots as well.

April 18, 2002

Sunday, April 21
9:00 ABC ALIAS
Syd and Vaughn try to buy a Rambaldi artifact on eBay, but are outbid by a comic-bookstore owner in Wisconsin.

May 2, 2002

Sunday, May 5
9:00 ABC ALIAS

Will "Casual Guy" Tippen sticks his big fat nose back into the SD-6 case!

May 23, 2002

But let's think for a moment. If given a choice, wouldn't you rather hang out with a TV character instead of the stinky friends you have now? For example! I have a friend named Matt who is okay, I guess... but c'mon! He's no Sydney Bristow from Alias! Like if I wanted to borrow a phosphorescent blue wig, would I go to Matt? Hell, no! But Sydney has 27 of them! Therefore Matt is B-O-R-I-N-G!!

Back To All About Alias 2002