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Vartanetc.
November 13, 2000
Ally McBeal "Without a Net" Transcript
Many, many thanks to Lori from Vartanetc!
Transcripts are from the closed captions (thanks A!). There are some inaccuracies and omissions of who is speaking. "Jonathan's" speaking parts are in bold.
Your... Son?
Uh...Uh... Dad? Well, um...
What?
Oh... My... God.
This is where I wish I had one of those remotes that could reset time about 15 sec the poised delay.
Ah, here's your brother.
Ally, this is my son, Jonathan.
I think we've met.
"Met"? We've been on a date together.
Hello again.
( Chuckles ): You what?
Well, now it makes sense. See, I've been thinking. How could I have possibly met two men in the same week who actually resemble each other in such flattering ways?
And now I understand. How funny.
One of those remotes...
Oh, I totally have to pee.
One day I will look back at this and laugh or... Cry. One or the other, I'm sure of it.
Ally?
Kimmy. Kimmy bishop.
Kimmy! Hi. ( Laughing ) how are you?
Oh, I'm great. Ally McBeal, the girls. Girls, Ally. This is such a coincidence. I am here with the officers of the women of virtue bar chapter of Massachusetts of which I'm president, thank you very much.
That's fantastic.
God, after all these years. Ally was voted the biggest prude three years running.
Actually, two.
I was so jealous I tried to recruit her you know, for our Christian coalition but, of course, she would never commit and I thought we have got to get this girl. She is poster material. Am I wrong?
Well, you know, I almost joined, Kimmy especially when you promised me that free spermicide underneath the table. But when I went down there to get it I found you munching away on my boyfriend.
( Kimmy laughs uneasily ) Ally was always such a little kidder.
I would love to stay and chat but I'm on a date with a father-and-son team and tonight they brought the sister which, well, things could get really wild.
( Gasps ) hi. ( Panting ) what did I miss? Well, obviously, we have a...
Resituating but I, um... I'm going to remove myself from the equation.
Dad, I'm opting out, okay?
Jonathan, I'm not going to date a woman who harbors interest in my son.
Like I want a girl who's got the hots for my dad.
Men my age don't get hots.
Come on, dad, you sang Neil Diamond to her.
Jonathan, forget it.
Do I get an opinion in all of this?
Of course.
Like you say, obviously we have some pretty... Unusual circumstances.
I'm sorry. I've got to go.
( Sighs ) I'm sorry, Ally. Maybe some guys could get past this, but... He is my son.
Um...
I'm sorry, I think I need some time, too.
I apologize.
So, they both dumped you?
Well, sort of. It's not that I blame them. I wouldn't want to go out with a guy who was interested in my mother.
That's different; your mother's an old wrinkly thing. Michael's half cute. I mean, for a relic.
I think these slumber parties have pretty much served their purpose.
I don't see why you can't date both.
Excuse me?
I-I agree. We've all sat in this room belaboring the dearth of good men. You've seemingly met two, neither of which are married. I mean, admittedly their relationship poses obstacles to you having a relationship with either, but it certainly isn't prohibited, and in light of the dearth...
( Doorbell rings )
( shivering ) oh... Jonathan, I...
Please don't say anything. I apologize for walking out but I was pretty... Well, devastated. I-I've never met somebody where I've felt such an innate connection. I mean, and the truth is, I... I wanted to make love to you as soon as I saw you sitting at that table there. I mean, even looking at you now, I...
Jonathan...
No, please, I need to say this. I just came here to make sure that you know that-that me walking away had nothing to do with being indifferent or... Can... Can I, can I say...?
Before you do...
No, just let me ask. Do you... Like my father because he's a great guy? Or are you really... Attracted to him, sexually...
Um... ( Stammering ) um... Can I get back to you on that?
Yeah. Um... I wish you would.
Hey! I'm walking here.
You!
( Music stops ) Kimmy!
You humiliated me in front of my friends people who look up to me.
Oh... Oh, Kimmy, I'm so sorry. I had no idea that they looked up to you.
I'm really disappointed you've coarse person. I can't believe I could even say what I'm about to say, but... May you never find a man. Oh, the reason we're crossing paths, it isn't coincidence. I've just left your office where I dropped off a complaint and a summons.
E-excuse me?
I'm suing you for defamation, you total bitch. Oh, I'm so sorry, sister. I didn't mean...
Oh, she-she's... Put on a little weight and her diaphragm is pinching.
( Gasps ) add that to your complaint, you witch.
Oh, come on! It's...
Sorry. If I'd seen you, I'd have... Lowered my shoulder. Larry.
Hey.
Hey, how's it going?
Good, good. Just on my way to work.
Plowing down pedestrians, you know...
Until you have that first cup of coffee.
Exactly. How are you doing?
Still duping people, making them think I'm a therapist by putting attorney-at-law on my door. It gets old.
( "My girl intro playing ) Ally?
Hi.
Hi. How's Brian?
Oh, he's, uh, past... Tense. I'm dating a father and son now. It's a long story; I met the father. He was nice; I started dating him. I met the son, also nice; started dating him.
I didn't know, and... Now... Oh, it happens.
Hmm...
Well, if you need a shrink I can fake it.
Thank you.
Okay. Good to see you again.
You, too.
( "My girl intro playing ) ( music continues ) oh!
I'm sorry.
( "My girl" instrumental continues playing )
First up, Ally, what's this about you being sued?
Oh, Kimmy Bishop. Remember her from law school?
Remember her? Androgynous beast.
Talk about a woman with stones of her own.
Oh, hi, Mark. No, we weren't talking about your girlfriend, I promise.
Why is she suing you, Ally?
Defamation, libel.
Can I bring up an issue? This is going to sound very cold-hearted, but...
Coming from you, Nelle I can't believe that.
While I consider myself to be a very tolerant person... Mark's dating a person who yuck, it's disgusting. And when word gets out, and it eventually does on these things because it's such a god story it'll not only embarrass you, mark, but the entire firm.
How so?
You're a litigator. You stand up in front of judges and juries. How much credibility do you think you'll have in the courtroom when your brethren find out your girlfriend has A... Man missile?
( Chokes ) it's not gay rights. It's... A circus act, and it's disgusting.
It's my private life. It doesn't involve this firm and this conversation is over.
Okay.
Uh, next up: Michaels vs. Henderson.
I believe...
( Elaine clears throat ) Ally? Michael basset is here.
Michael.
I, uh, came to apologize for fleeing the scene last night. I was... I guess I came rather undone.
Well, I can understand.
The truth is...
You had high hopes for me and they were a little dashed at the sight of your son?
Mm. Look, I'm not going to compete with Jonathan.
But that's why you're here, aren't... You?
What are your feelings for Jonathan? I only ask because...
I-I just met you and I just met him and... And you both seem like really nice guys but I... It's just too early for me to know anything, really.
Yeah, um, I guess... Why don't I just say it? Jonathan and I both agree that you might be the most amazing woman on earth and it would be a tragedy if at least one of us didn't get you.
Now, that was a good answer.
And I'm here now to say we won't compete. This has to be your choice.
But I am not equipped to make that choice and if you're asking me to flip a coin, I-I just won't do it. If you really want me to make an informed decision then I have to continue seeing both of you.
Did I just say that? ( inhales sharply )
hmm. It's a little strange, Ally.
I won't exchange saliva or bodily fluids with either one of you. Not until I narrow the field to one. Now, uh... Go. Go and-and take your son to a ball game and, um, I will give you the first date tonight.
OK.
I will look back and laugh.
What? You're going to date them both?
Am I crazy?
Well, that's beside the point.
Like Nelle said, it's so hard to meet a nice normal guy who doesn't turn out to be an escape prisoner loony if not a woman.
(Mark) Hey, lay off it. Could you do that, please?
Sorry.
What if it works out with one?
You could get married the in-law coming for thanksgiving wanting your thigh over the turkey's.
There are hidden issues here.
This is private, Richard.
Fine.
Your wages have been garnished.
I beg your pardon?
I got the notice from the court. Kim my bishop went in ex parte.
What?
Court order.
I have to start withholding wages-- put them in escrow.
Elaine, I want to respond to this.
( Gasps ) are you okay?
Fine. I was just startled.
Cindy, hi.
Mark, hi.
What's up?
I, uh, I had some business across the street so I thought I'd stop by and say hello.
Anyway, um, I'm going to be done around noon.
You want to have some lunch?
Sure.
Great.
I'll come by when I'm done.
Great.
I'm sorry.
( Gasps ) hello again.
Hello.
My penis makes you nervous.
Hey.
Ally.
Don't tell me the son has a twin.
Funny.
I'm here to hire you.
Hire me?
I've been sued.
Now, I could have a member of my own firm but I think it probably makes sense to hire outside counsel.
And I assumed you checked me out.
( "My guy" playing ) ( record scratches ) Well, you seem smart and since you're a solo practitioner I figure that you must be a decent litigator. If you don't want to do the case...
I want it.
Oh, well, good.
Excellent.
Great.
Great.
Okay then.
Ally, I could be wrong but is there something you'd like to talk about?
What? No, no, no. Why?
No, what would I have to talk about?
The case.
Oh.
( Laughing ) oh, I forgot.
Oh, that's funny.
Yeah, well, um, while having dinner with the father and son I passed this puritanical witch I knew in law school. She was out with her friends wearing her little Gucci chi and I mentioned something about her slipping me spermicidal. She claims it impugned her, she filed suit and then she amended the complaint after I said something completely in passing about a pinching diaphragm within the earshot of a by standing nun and now I sit before you garnished. So, um...
Do you have any thoughts?
Are you wealthy?
I don't really think that that's an appropriate question.
I'm sorry. It's just in order to garnish defendant's wages you have to make a showing that he or she has no obvious means of settling a judgment should one be rendered against him or her. If you were wealthy and we could demonstrate that we could dissolve the garnishment with little argument. That was my reason for asking.
I didn't mean to be inappropriate.
Oh.
I make my rent and I can buy nice outfits but it's not like I'm wealthy.
Okay.
Ever been married?
No. How is that relevant?
It isn't. On that, I was just curious.
I'm not wealthy. I need my paycheck. How do we lift the garnishment?
Let's go right into court, immediately. Challenge libel law. I happen to think it's gender-biased. At a minimum we'll demonstrate to the witch that we're not did she slip you spar no.
I was being caustic.
I'll mark up the motion for 3:00.
Can you meet me there?
I can.
Good, good.
Complaint?
No, no, good. Everything sounds great.
The complaint, did you bring it?
Oh, yeah, I did.
Oh, good. I'll see you in court.
Good. Is there anything else I need to know?
The son will probably live longer.
John.
Yes.
What are you doing?
Well, I'm either playing ping pong or I'm hanging upside down. Would you like to guess or use up one of your life lines?
May I speak to you?
Certainly.
Could I do it upright? It's kind of sensitive.
Does this involve your girlfriend's genitalia?
Yes, actually. How'd you know?
Well, there could only be so many things on your mind, Mark.
All right.
I need an honest open-minded, grounded opinion.
Dump it.
Dump it?
He, she, whatever. Dump it.
Look, I know I can never have sex with her.
Of course not.
Can you imagine?
Well, I would certainly prefer not to. Look, Mark, platonic love affairs have been known to exist. There are, perhaps, countless reasons to pursue this woman and only one not to. But, as flaws go...
( Yelling ): She has a penis!
So what Nelle said is true?
You'd draw a negative conclusions about any man who...
Look, I wish I could say I was tolerant enough to support this, but... I can't say it.
Kimmy: Don't think I don't know what you're doing.
What am I doing, Kimmy?
Trying to schedule a lot of motions sends a message he is going to cost me big-time to prosecute this case.
Let me tell you something, missy. I'm in it for the long haul and do you want to know why?
She impugned you.
Off the record, I'm smitten.
What are you, snide? I would expect her to hire a snide lawyer.
That is just like her.
Kim.
All rise.
Never mind rise.
You can all sit.
I'm not a fan of corrective.
On what basis do you move to dismiss a claim on the very day it's filed?
Your honor, the plaintiff's claim is predicated on common law principles which consider an attack on a woman's chastity to be libel per se. This law, I would submit is not only archaic, it's gender-biased.
Why is it illegal to call a woman unchaste but not a man?
The implication was that she's promiscuous.
And most girls would say thanks for the compliment. If anything, today, we make fun of the virgins. Promiscuous isn't derogatory in today's society.
It is to my client.
And even if Ms. McBeal's words offended miss bishop, the test for liability is whether these statements would reasonably cause her to be held in disrepute by others.
Exactly.
And the others at the table were all members of the Massachusetts women of virtue bar chapter. Miss McBeal accused her of passing spermicidal and of performing disgusting oral sexual act on her boyfriend under the table.
One second, your honor.
Ally, did we forget to tell me something?
Whatever.
I would again remind the court these laws were passed in a day not only where both congress and the public considered premarital sex shameful but where oral sex was actually a criminal offense in most states.
These are more enlightened times.
Your client made these where she knew it would cause embarrassment.
Your motion to dismiss denied.
Ally, I don't like being surprised in court. It's a peeve. If I am to continue representing you you will fill me in on all the incidental little tidbits. Do we have an understanding?
Too strict with me . I knew I liked him. I hope this doesn't mean deep down I want to be spanked.
Satisfied?
Kimmy, this is for you.
What's this?
A notice of your deposition.
You and I are going to have a little conversation with a nice court reporter.
Writing everything down.
Ally.
I owe you an apology. I shouldn't have imposed my bigotry.
You're hardly the only one.
I had a bad experience once as a teenager. I asked this beautiful boy who I thought was a girl, out on a date. When he accepted I of course became suspicious.
I checked around. The mistake was caught. But to this day, if a woman is beautiful and wants to date me I immediately ask myself, "has she got one?"
Look, I'm heading somewhere with this. I appreciate your patience. Several years ago I dated a lovely woman with a mustache. It was dyed, hard to see but when I kissed her I felt the bristle. It was there. I developed that twitch you just saw. Just thinking of the bristle brings it back.
This is where you were headed?
We went to see this therapist who specializes in couples facing unique challenges be it the disparity of backgrounds religion, lip bristle. And his expertise is not only getting the individuals to accept each other, but gaining acceptance for them as a couple from society at large.
And I think it would behoove you to see him if for no other reason than to see whether your hurdles are surmountable.
I am, I said to no one there and no one heard at all not even I am, I said..
Okay, the thrill is gone. He's singing Neil diamond, and it's doing nothing. I'm not even fantasizing over his son.
And no one heard at all not even the chair.
Did you break up with him?
Not yet.
But I think I'm getting the "icky" on him.
Did he sing "you don't bring me flowers"?
No, I think he's saving it.
What did you tell him?
Well, I told him that I needed more space on you know, evidently, Renee I could really get nailed because the group that I made those remarks to are so virtuous and pure that with libel per se they don't have to show damages.
Why did you hire Larry Paul to defend you?
Well, because I thought it made sense to get outside counsel.
I'm outside counsel.
Oh.
Well, but you and I are roommates.
We have a personal relationship.
I see. Anything personal with Larry Paul?
What? No, please. Him? Right. He's just... He's just, you know, so...Yummy.
( Teeth clicking ) did you check up on him to see if he's even capable of defending you?
Oh, you should have seen how smart he was in court. This guy is a litigator.
Well, I checked up on him just the same. He's married.
He... Is?
Yeah.
He's just my lawyer, Renee. There's nothing between us. It doesn't mean that he can't defend me just because he's married. Hey, I have a lot of guys coming at me of all ages. Related even. Well, I have a really big day tomorrow. We're going to depose Kimmy and then I might get deposed. So I should probably go kill myself. Um... Prepare... My... ...Self.
You know, I don't know how the hell you plan to practice law without a conference room.
Okay, something's the matter.
Have a seat.
I'm not going to sit.
I bet you just love that, don't you? Getting all the girls to come in and sit.
Well, that's not the way it goes here.
If it's not about the case, I don't sit.
All right.
I've been meaning to ask you something for a while now and it seems this would be a good time. Ally, are you nuts? What's wrong?
I'm erratic, okay? It's my right. I've got a lawsuit right now that my homeowner's policy probably doesn't cover. And from what I've been told I'm going to lose. And I've got two guys chasing me both of which I sort of like but it would be rude, if not sick, to juggle them because one of them comes from the other's seed. And then there's...
There's what?
Nothing. That's it.
The lawsuit I will handle. As for the father and son outings it's not that big a deal.
You hear about women dating men only to end up with the brother. Same thing for guys with girlfriends who eventually end up with the sisters; it happens.
Is it a little more unusual with a father and son? Yes, but so what?
If you like them both, date them both. The world won't end.
Certainly not yours.
What am I missing here?
Nothing, Larry. You've got it all. The thing is we're all different. Some dissimilarities are latent some are obvious. The physical ones, well, they're easy. Those gaps are bridged simply by acceptance. It's the mental or emotional disparities that prove to be much more malignant especially when these disparities are internalized. You're all fragile creatures with feelings. And as a couple, those fragilities compound.
Taxi!
Cindy!
That was humbling.
I am not a freak.
I'm not saying you are.
Then what the hell was that?
A blob, a midget, a two-headed man?
And a woman with a penis.
I'm not a freak. And if that's how you think of me, mark...
Then let's just forget this.
Kim bishop is in there with her lawyer and the steno. It's all set to go.
Who's he?
My lawyer, Larry Paul; my assistant, Elaine vassal.
It's nice to meet you.
Ally, before we go in, very important: You cannot antagonize her. I will make this go away, but you have to behave. I'd like you to be quiet.
Okay.
Who's that?
I don't know. Some guy who has yet to drool over me.
Ling, do you think every man wants you?
Yes.
Sorry, we're a little late. Let's get right on the record, shall we? I'm assuming we'll waive any objections until trial except as to the form of the question.
Fine.
Okay.
Kimmy, I'll be asking you a series of questions. As I'm sure your lawyer has explained if you don't understand the question please let me know and I'll try to be more clear.
( Larry clears throat ) okay, Kimmy...
I think the statements made by ms. McBeal are on record, as is your umbrage and my question to you is why? Why are you so upset?
How could you possibly ask...
Before you answer that let me ask you this: Do people truly, truly think of you as a chaste person?
They most certainly do.
I mean the people who know you.
The people who know me know I'm chaste, Mr. Paul.
Couldn't one be mistaken, though? Couldn't Ally have been mistaken?
About me passengering spermicidal? About me munching her boyfriend?
Well, assuming these things did happen to Ally couldn't she mistakenly have thought you were the one?
Oh, please, she knows I could never do things.
What about the people in the virtue club? They could have easily made the mistake that Ally made...
Those people especially know me.
They couldn't have confused you for a spermicidal vendor?
Not in a million years.
They didn't believe her?
Not for a second.
Kim.
You're sure about that?
Absolutely.
Okay, Kimmy, we're done.
That didn't hurt too much, did it?
What did I say?
Chains...My baby's got me locked up in chains and it isn't the kind that you can see...
He was so smooth. She was admitting things before she had time to realize what she was saying.
So is the case over?
No, because it's still possible that those women did believe me even though Kimmy doesn't think they did. We have a conference tomorrow to get rid of it.
Well, you'll be lucky if you do. I mean, woman's chastity, that's libel per se, you have to show damages.
I know. How's your dad?
He's better. He said that he had the whole room singing last night and you just sat there.
Oh, Jonathan, it's a little conspicuous.
What's wrong?
Oh... It's just my lawyer with somebody from my firm.
Small world, I guess.
Itsy-bitsy. Could you excuse me for one second?
Sure.
...Chains my baby's got me locked up in chains and it isn't the kind that you can see...
Hi, Ally.
You know Larry?
Yes, I do.
Larry, do you mind if I talk to you a minute about our settlement conference?
You, uh, know Nelle?
I met her in your office today and she invited me for a drink. She seems nice.
Good hair.
Don't you... I... You're married, Larry. Don't you think that that's a little inappropriate?
No.
No?
I'm divorced.
Oh. Well, good. I mean, no, it's... Well, never mind, I guess.
I hate to interrupt, Ally but your date looks a little insecure over there. Elaine's putting out the pheromones.
Thank you, Nelle. See you tomorrow.
I'll be there.
And it isn't the that you can see oh, these chains of mine...
Everything okay?
Fine.
Yeah, yeah, chains my baby's got me locked up in chains.
I mean, I have nothing against trans-gender people-- I really don't-- but nobody should ever touch one much less... You know.
Why can't you just be friends?
Well, maybe that's the way it'll have to be. It's just, she's the first woman I've been able to really talk to in so...
Let me tell you something about women, mark. Don't talk to them; they'll talk back.
Women should be obscene and not heard-- Fishism-- and Cindy, she is obscene.
Hi.
She'll never be the mother... Ay!
Cindy, hi, hey.
Hi. We were just talking about you.
Yeah. I heard you, richard.
Yeah, I was just trying to represent the homophobic point of view 'cause I know it's out there.
Can I have a moment alone with mark?
Yeah, absolutely. I was just on my way.
( Quietly ): Excuse me. I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Do you think of me as a freak?
I think of you as... Aberrant.
The other night, you told me that you saw me as a woman... One that you wanted to continue seeing.
I could never be sexual with you, Cindy.
I think you're a great person but maybe... I'm influenced by the way others see us.
Well, then let's just be adult about this and... Admit that it's not going to work. Good-bye, mark.
Bye.
( Gasps ) Cindy: Richard...
For all your support.
Oh...
( Grunts ) ( groaning ) ( slurping ) ( stammering ) Ally.
Nelle.
Is Larry here yet?
No. We're still waiting for him.
You two stay out late last night?
I didn't check my watch. I rarely do when I'm having fun.
So, you two... Hit it off?
Well...
You're late.
Sorry.
Hey, Nelle.
Larry.
Let's go.
The fact that Ms. Bishop thinks that the women at that table would fail to attach credibility to the defamatory remarks tendered by Ms. McBeal that is not disparities to the issue.
If they did, in fact, believe those statements or if they even made room for the possibility that Ms. McBeal's comments might have some basis in truth, the act colorable.
Kimmy...
I checked around-- you are very much respected within your peer group, and personally I myself admire virgins.
Privately I collect them.
I'm sure you do.
( Quietly ): Snide.
Here's my point. You called Ally the poster child for rudeness. As I was saying in court that can be considered...
You said, "my point is this." You're not getting to it.
The women at the table probably considered it nothing more than a catty fight and like you said I'm sure they didn't think for a second what she said was true but when you sue over it, when you go to trial you might occasion them to think "well, maybe there is something to it." You don't want to do that. You're angry, and I think what you're really looking for here is an apology. And you deserve one. Ally insulted a woman who she probably deep down wishes she could be. Let her apologize and let us all move on.
Forgiveness is a virtue too, you know even more divine... Than chastity.
If she apologizes.
Ally.
I'm... Sorry... Kim my. I was wrong. I hope you accept my apology.
Okay, with attorney fees.
Oh, if you think...
That would be acceptable.
I think we have a deal.
Bravo.
How dare you make me apologize to that vile, rabid yak. Talk about groveling.
I was looking to make the lawsuit go away. It did.
Well, wasn't worth...
Yes, it was.
To have to suck up to her and pay her legal fees?
This was a stupid case. Which you started.
And any half-assed lawyer...
That would be me.
...Would have declared it nell and void.
Nell's your colleague.
Who you're dating, and I find that completely inappropriate. I suppose you're seeing her tonight.
Actually, no. I'll be with her mother.
This case is over. You can go now.
I don't want to go. I want you to ditch the father-and-son act. I'll declare Nelle void.We can have dinner.
Done.
It happened that fast.
It wasn't hard ending things with the boys. I didn't want to be Michael's daughter and I wasn't up for Jonathan calling me mom. They were both relieved, actually though Michael headed right for the piano and started singing "September morn."
And me...I finally felt that wonderful feeling of terror. You knowthat feeling that you get when you're up there without a net.
I don't appreciate you bringing that candy ass in this bar I'll tell you that.
It's bad enough Ally hires him.
For you to bring him into this establishment...
A lawyer likes to mark his own turf.
I've marked all over this room.
I'll keep that in mind.
Will you stop?
I'm not kissing you tonight anyway. I have a canker.
It isn't about that, trust me.
Look at them.
I think they like each other.
So if you were interested why did you encourage me to date the father and son?
I didn't know you were interested plus it would be unethical for a therapist to hit on his patient.
What about a lawyer hitting on his client?
I can only be so ethical.
Larry?
Hmm?
Shut up.
Done.
The thing about walking alone it allows you to reflect on the day and I couldn't wait to reflect on this one. But I guess that'll have to wait. Isn't it funny how you're walking through life and it turns on a dime?
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